


Spy

by Fallende



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Unbeta'd, clinically depressed character, everyone's a sarcastic asshole, jokes about child abuse, mentions of actual child abuse, secret-agent AU, side Rose Lalonde / Kanaya Maryam, side Spades Slick / Ms. Paint, trigger warnings added for certain chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-06-09 08:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6898195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallende/pseuds/Fallende
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave doesn't hesitate to follow his brother into some shady, government agency to become an underground secret agent. Neither does John. </p><p>All four of them would make a pretty good team if they weren't stupid, sarcastic assholes, and if the two boys could pull their heads out of their asses long enough to realize how much their mutual crush is actually requited.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They're all four sprawled languidly on (or around) Rose's L-shaped leather sofa, staring down her giant 70-inch plasma screen TV without really seeing the picture when Dave decides now is as good a time as any to bring it up. John's not going to like what he has to say anyways and at the moment he doesn't have the motivation to be scared of the reaction he knows is coming.

He pokes John's shin with his socked toes. “Egbert.” Blue eyes roll sluggishly up to him, an unimpressed look on the other's olive face, lips pursed but unmoving in a silent question. What. “I'm not going to college.”

The room stills. The air turns stale. Jade's green eyes flick rapidly to him from the floor where she's leaning against the legs of the sofa, sensing drama. Though Rose knew this was coming, she still flinches from her spot at the end of the L-sofa perpendicular to the boys, then tries not to react further. They all know a fight is coming.

There's 10 seconds of tense silence before John tightly says “What.” from where his head is propped against Dave's hip. It's not a question.

And Dave's glad he brought this up at this moment because really he's still too fucking lazy to rise to the bait that John's tone of voice is setting up. “I sent in a denial of attendance 2 days ago.”

John actually lifts his elbows and rests them beside either side of his chin, digging them in to Dave's hipbone as he starts to get up. “Are you fucking kidding me.”

Rose opens her mouth to say something but decides better of it, instead focusing her attention on whatever Dave decides to say next. Jade remains silent but her green eyes have grown wide and she's turned 180 to face the oncoming slaughter.

“Nope. Sorry man.”

John visibly doesn't react to Dave's bullshit response for another full 10 seconds. Then, quick as a bullet, he shoots upright to place his palms where his elbows had been. His voice is dripping with rage. “So you're telling me. After months. _Months_. Of searching for the right college we could all attend. And all those shitty phone calls to get transcripts and applications and all the _money_ we paid to put those applications in, you've suddenly decided not to go.”

Somehow Dave is still unphased. “Yup.”

“And why the fuck would you do that?!” John shouts this and Jade jumps up to her feet, crying out. Rose flinches yet again.

Dave, for his part, finally seems to be affected. A little. He puts his hands up in a placating manner and lets out a quick shushing noise. They all hesitate and listen for any noises above them. When nobody upstairs stirs, Dave begins again. “Look, I know we spent a lot of time on all that shit-”

“You're goddamn right we did!-”

“But- I- my brother needs me.”

John's face contorts into an ugly scowl. He's on his feet now too, hovering over Dave while Jade stands just behind her brother, ready to hold him back if need be.

“YOUR BROTHER NEEDS YOU?!”

John actually does leap forward. Whether he actually plans to hit Dave, Jade doesn't know, but she jumps with him and grabs his hands. John's knees pitch forward and land on Dave's stomach and the other winces a bit but otherwise seems unharmed. Rose starts quickly and stands with the others, ready to help Jade.

“You're gonna ditch us for your _brother_ , your shitty, abusive alcoholic and deserting brother?! The one who leaves your underage ass alone for weeks on end and then beats the shit out of you the moment he gets home?”

“-John I've told you it's not _like_ that-”

“-So just _forget_ all your friends who've been there for you through all your shit, who genuinely actually _want_ to spend their life with you, _forget_ all the work they've done to get an actual future and just _drop_ them for your _fucking brother_ -”

“ _JOHN_.” It's Rose who interjects this time. She glances at the ceiling and somehow, miraculously, there is still no movement above them. The room temporarily quiets while Rose prepares what she's going to say.

“...I've decided to send in a denial of attendance as well.”

This time both John and Jade burst in to chaos. “WHAT!” They cry in unison.

“It's actually something of a family... Crisis? Business. A family business really.” Rose explains unhelpfully. Twin sets of eyes stare at her. It's obvious they have no idea what that means but now even Jade is getting worked up.

Dave clears his throat and pipes in, ready to jump to his cousin's aid. “It's a family business matter. Aunt Rox and Bro they... I guess they work together? And – well – and _I've_ decided to work with them.” He glances over. It seems pretty clear his cousin has decided to work with them too.

Rose glances sideways at Dave. Though having Dave as a cousin also means having his older brother and caretaker, Dirk, as a cousin (and she hates the shit out of him,) she genuinely loves Dave. And when she'd learned that he'd dropped college to run off and work alongside his stupid bro, well, she couldn't let him do that alone.

And the thing is, she's never had the best relationship with her mother, and the lady did also have the same secretive tendencies about her work and a curiously succinct attitude, but now Rose understood what that was about. And in some weird way she still kind of respected and has even started almost loving her mother recently, as their relationship grew stronger in the recent year. And after learning what her mother had been doing all this time, well. That was 2 people whom she cared about whose safety she needed to ensure.

She might not have considered this otherwise but Dave had jumped right in without hesitation, his altruistic devotion to his elder brother evident. And now that she'd learned that Dave had officially withdrawn his plan to attend college, her mind was made up.

John finds his voice again, pointing an accusing finger in Rose's face. Her dull blue eyes go cross. “ _Your_ mom's an alcoholic and almost as bad as _his_ dickhole brother but okay, lets all just forget John for _Dirk motherfucking Strider_ who _regularly beats childre_ n-”

“- _Goddamit_ John I told you it's not like that-”

“-And decide on a whim to just _not_ go to fucking college, and just _destroy_ everyone's future not to mention all of _my_ plans to stay with the people I care about! But guess they don't _care_ about me because _Bro_ needs them!”

Jade's eyes are tearing up a little and she refuses to look anyone in the eye. She's whimpering a little and she quietly says from where she's standing, still limply hanging on to her twin brother's wrists, “Yeah, what about us?”

Dave sighs and cuts his line of sight to John, clearly staring him down though his shades block the brunt of most of that attack. “Okay I've told you that's training, he doesn't _beat_ me, and anyways if you knew what was going on all this time you'd understand why he was doing that!”

“Okay _if I understood_ as if you've _ever fucking told me_ -”

“-He's in danger okay! Like all the time! And I'm going to help him because he _needs_ me actually _okay_ -?”

“-Why could he possibly need you after all the shit load of _nothing_ he's done for you and _everything_ I've ever done-”

Dave bursts out the confession in a fit of anger before Rose even has the chance to stop him. “He's an agent okay! He works underground for the government and does really dangerous shit with guns and shit!”

Rose tries not to facepalm. Okay, super secret family trade was out. You know, the kind of secret that the government killed you for finding out about. Great.

“An agent?” Jade sniffles but curiously lifts her gaze from the floor.

“...Or like, a spy, I guess.” Dave seems to realize his mistake because he shifts awkwardly and starts to wring his hands from where he's still lying on the leather couch.

John at least finally lowers his volume. “Your brother is a spy.”

“Uh, yes. And her mom too I guess.”

Rose resists the urge to x2 facepalm.

“And you're just not gonna go to college with us because you're gonna go to, what,” John punctuates this with a breathy chuckle, “spy school?!”

“...Yes.”

Finally theres blessed silence and Rose hopes to any powers that be that her mother hadn't been listening in on their conversation from above. Though there was no chance of that and really, her friends were kind of fucked. Because Momma Rox knew that they knew the big secret. And chances were pretty slim, now, that her friends were going to be allowed to leave the mansion any time soon (or ever).

John looks at Jade in disbelief. There are tear trails staining her cheeks but she seems to have stopped hiccuping and now a look of wonder blossoms on her face. She looks back at John and then quickly between Dave and Rose, looking for the truth.

A minute passes where everyone pieces together their thoughts. Finally, John seems to come to a decision.

“Fine, then me too.”

Dave starts forward off the couch. “You can't just get in to spy school just because you want to-”

“-Then I'll _apply_ shithead-”

Rose puts up a hand and the two stop bickering to listen to what she has to say. “Actually he might not have any other choice but to join at this point because if the organization finds out that he knows about them...”

She trails off and a heartbeat passes. Then Jade grips hard on her brother's wrist still in her fingers. “Me, too.”

Dave looks upset. “Jade what-”

She glares at him and for the first time that night actually looks angry rather than upset. “If you're following your brother and Rose is following her mother and John is following you then I'm following my _twin brother_ , dammit.”

“But John's not gonna _fucking_ follow me-”

“Shut up, Dave.” To everyone's surprise it's Rose who says this, and rather harshly. The lids of her eyes lower dangerously and she flits her gaze between the guests in the room. “You shouldn't have told them. You think they get to just leave my house with this information? They're dead if they don't come with us.”

Somehow Roxy peeks her head out from around the archway to the kitchen. Rose and everyone else in the room jumps because what the fuck, she'd been upstairs what the _fuck_ she really _was_ a secret agent. “So hack John and Jade into the system for training, then? I'll have it done by morning.”

–

Dave is actually glad he'd decided to follow his brother into UHOaI. Though his heart had been racing when he'd first learned of how his brother spent his nights, and he'd spent several nights of his own imaging not only his brother's but his own upcoming and brutal demise, it turned out he was actually good at the whole spy thing.

Perhaps it was because his brother had beat the shit out of him under the guise of training since he was 4 years old. But Dave was actually, honestly good at his job. Upon being handed a pistol for the first time he turned out to be an excellent shot. Upon starting endurance and stamina training he began well above his peers. And his ethics, well.

Lets just say growing up with a brother whom he thought made a living creating porn tended to loosen up your moral compass. And somehow that translated to him knowing all the answers to almost any question the agency asked of him in regards to how he would conduct himself in the field.

It was surprising to him, really. He'd chosen to blindly follow his asshole brother and damn the consequences in a heartbeat, and it turned out he'd actually probably been meant to do this from birth. And maybe not only because Dirk had actually spent the last several years of his life training him that way, (though that certainly was a damning factor); being an underground government spy actually seemed to be a _talent_ of his. A natural born talent. Not only was he lethal with a sword and quick on his feet but he was also a deadly quick thinker, able to make life changing decisions at the drop of a hat.

The others had done well, too. Jade was a natural sniper – she'd grown up shooting with her grandfather on an island in the Pacific, as apparently that was some sort of bonding game with them. She could hit a crazy small target from day one and had only improved from there, and UHOaI had decided it was in their best interest to specialize her training.

Rose's strategy work was unparalleled and intelligence snapped her up right away. Therefore, they hadn't seen quite as much of her for the next few years of training: she did some field work hours with them, as everyone in the organization did. But most of her time was spent on the top floors working computers and ground procedure, with little time spent training at the gun range or the obstacle course. Still, she seemed to have a thing for daggers.

And John, well. The guy had played soccer in high school so he was already fit, but somehow the years spent in the academy turned him into a veritable tank. He might not have been the biggest guy in the agency but he was certainly built better than Dave; his shoulders had widened and his biceps had swelled. His martial technique wasn't great but he could always land a hit and damn, did he hit hard. Dave'd been on the receiving end of that during sparing lessons and had been KO'd by the right hit from John more times than he'd like to admit (which was twice).

But even after 4 years of grueling physical, mental and political training, Dave's still not sure why John had given up college life for this. The dark haired kid had passed training along with the rest of them and they were doing well so far in their rookie field work, but. John's whole college career had been laid out for him. Dad Egbert had saved up enough money to put his twin children through their first year of college debt-free. There was 4 years of frat parties and a degree waiting for them and sure, Jade had followed her brother in to this life without a doubt the same way Dave had followed his own brother here, but John was a mystery. Dave had spent his entire teens with the olive-skinned boy and while he didn't doubt their friendship, he still didn't understand why his best bro had given up all his future plans just for Dave. The blonde certainly didn't feel he was worth it.

“Alright children, get in here! Snowman stuck me with your debrief today and I have other things I'd rather be doing!” Spades Slick's voice calls out over the telecom. Dave sighs at the lack of enthusiasm but can't help the small upturn of his lips. He'd never say this out loud, either, but Spades had been somewhat like a mentor to him during the last few years and although the guy was a Grade A Cuntbag, he actually sort of loved the dickhead.

He dragged his feet down the hallway to the debriefing room, cold coffee in hand. Rose was already there, and she turned her head to look at him as he trudged through the doorway. “Hello, Dave.” She spoke in greeting. He nodded his head back in return.

John was not 20 seconds behind, jogging his way down and calling for Dave to hold the door open, and Jade was only a minute later. Everyone knew today was the day of their first real mission, and it seems everyone was ready and waiting.

Spades gave the stink eye from the front of the room to his four newest rookies. “Are you all sure you're ready for this? I'm not sure what Snowman was thinking when she set up an entire team of losers for this mission.” Dave scoffed; they all knew Spades would be supervising them against his orders to keep his fingers off and let the newbs get experience, anyways.

“Quit stalling Bugsy, you're the one who said you had other things to be doing today.” The blonde snarks. His ex-mafia senior focuses the stink-eye he's still throwing around the room solely on him. Dave grins and throws a wink behind his shades that he knows Spades will still get; Spades looks like he wants to fight.

“Shut the fuck up, baby.” Dave knows the nickname is short for 'baby Strider', but has taken up the habit of teasing him over the flirtatious nickname. He mumbles a ' _whatever you say sweetheart_ ' just loud enough for Spades and everyone else to hear but doesn't push his luck any father. Today actually is important to everyone here, and the Texan boy doesn't fancy being killed by his mentor before getting to perform his first dangerous mission.

The projector screen behind the older man flickers to life and a picture of a cute girl pops up on screen. She can't be more than a teenager but her hair is dyed platinum blonde, bright green eyes smiling back at everyone in the room. Her expression screams cheerful on the surface but somehow is haunted by shadows underneath. Spades clears his throat to begin and points behind him at the girl. “This is Calliope. Last name unknown. She's 17 years old and asking for witness protection. You're to pick her up from the apartment where she lives with her caretaker and twin brother.” The screen flashes to another image of a crew-cut, malicious looking teen boy. “This is Caliborn. I'm telling you this now: you are not to make any sort of contact with this boy. Don't even let him see you. He's just a kid but he's dangerous and if he can connect you in any way to UHOaI your identities will be compromised from mission 1.”

Jade's sitting backwards in a chair, eyes still focused on the screen, but she speaks to the elder man without looking at him, “I thought we were getting a _real_ mission? Like an important one. Not witness protection for some little girl.”

Rose hums in response, though she probably knows all the details of the operation already. John's face has fallen and he looks to Spades for clarification.

“What the fuck babe.” Dave says.

“Would you kids shut the fuck up and let me tell you who these kids fucking are?!” Slick says in exasperation to nobody listening. He throws his hands up in the air and mumbles some expletives under his breath while he waits for the room to calm down from Dave's outburst. Jade's bent over at the stomach in hysterical laughter and John's grinning hugely at him from the next seat over. Even Rose is chuckling behind a daintily placed hand.

Spades actually stomps over and punches Dave on the arm, but his face isn't spelling unchecked rage so Dave knows he's still having some small amount fun with them. Bad temperament aside, Slick actually likes him too. Slowly, the chaos in the room descends back into silence.

The projector clicks back to the previous slide of the girl and Spades continues. “Our client here, Calliope, is the rumored daughter of Lord English.”

The room grows tense. Everyone's expression turns serious. Spades preens at the attention of everyone in the room. “See what happens when you actually listen to me a little longer, you shits?” He smirks. “Though we have no way to verify their last name or confirm their identity, collected data suggests their lineage leads back to the biggest crime lord in New York. So is this mission important enough for you now?”

They all nod. Jade leans forward excitedly in her chair, a big smile betraying all of her elation at their upcoming task.

Slick clicks forward 2 slides and the group is shown 2 maps, one of a city and one of an apartment layout. “The siblings are currently located in a small flat right in the heart of Dublin, Ireland.”

“ _Ireland_?!” Jade exclaims and every one of the 4 friend's eyes meet. They were going to leave the country! This was insane!

“Try not to piss yourselves, kids. Yes, you'll be flying out to Ireland tomorrow. Rose has schematics for more of the city and the building- you'll be meeting with her right after I'm done here. We've already worked out most of the operation work but you can sort out the rest of the strategy amongst yourselves. Kanaya wants to see you for outfitting at 3:30.” Spades sweeps his gaze across them and says, in a voice cold as ice, “And one more thing.” They all snap to attention. “If anything happens to her, anything at all, you'll all be done before you've even started.” His face hardens but he can't help but smirk snarkily at Dave. “So good luck, baby.”

–

After tortuous hours spent slaving over their plan of attack with Rose (who seems intent to lecture them about every single detail, including the age of the glass on the buildings and the exact depth of the river adjacent to the apartment), it's later in the day than their appointment to see Kanaya.

Rose is particularly upset by this, but Dave is certain this is because of his cousin's blatant crush on the lady. Kanaya's an Indian girl who'd spent a year and a half in fashion school before, like them, also deciding college just wasn't for her. While her own personality was graceful and refined, it seemed she couldn't stand seeing the same elitism from other people.

The dark skinned girl was tall and not very curvy; the exact opposite of Rose, and yet Rose's usually stoic demeanor seemed to soften around the other girl. It was... actually a little disturbing to watch, Dave thought.

But they've gone down to visit Kanaya before a mission before and it's always quite an experience. The Indian drop-out is personally in charge of outfitting, specifically designing suits based on fit and material, depending on the climate of their mission. However, doing this required her to be in contact with the engineering department and so she was also tasked with deciding gadgets and weapons to compliment what she designed. Visiting her meant getting new clothes and toys and not only was it a welcome adventure but the lady herself was always quite a treat.

It's just before 3:50 by the time they make it to the 3rd floor, where Kanaya is tapping the back of her frankly too-long stilettos on the tile floor. She looks only minimally impatient standing in the doorway and gives them a small smile as the four make their way towards her. Jade and John both call out in greeting and her smile widens as she answers in hello.

“So are you three ready to be outfitted for your first big operation?” Kanaya asks through perfectly applied lipstick and Rose hums assent through her own dark lipstick. A manicured hand reaches out and rests gently on his cousin's shoulder. Dave gags a little.

John peeks curiously at him but doesn't comment, instead focusing his attention back to their newest companion, who now is taller than anyone else in the room with the added height of her heels. “We sure are! What do you have for us?” He asks her.

Her dark eyebrows lift as she peers at the dark-skinned boy. “Everything you need, John. All I ask is that you have a little patience while I pull everything out for you guys.” Now that they're in her workshop, her heels click over to a drawer and she pulls out some shirts and tight-fitting suitpants of various sizes. She checks the tags on each pair and hand distributes the clothing.

Jade grimaces. “What is this, a turtleneck?”

Kanaya actually barks out a laugh. “Actually- coming back in fashion.” She points a finger gun at John's twin. “And yes, it is. You'll notice the material is a slick weave. It's thick enough to keep you warm in the river I'm told is in your area but not for long; I had to compromise a certain amount in order to make sure the material wouldn't drag to much in the water. However, despite this I suggest you don't take a jump in the water, as the pants are just suit pants.”

She then distributes everyone a pair of nondescript black tennis shoes. They're nothing fancy but upon putting them on Dave notices they're not suffocating on his feet. Kanaya raises her eyebrows and turns everyone's attention to the shoes. “You'll notice those are good for running. However, if you do end up in the water, you'll notice they'll be soak the water right up. As I said before- don't spend any lengthy amount of time in the river. These won't be keeping you warm at all.”

John scoffs good-naturedly at her. “We get it, we won't. We've got a girl to protect, anyways. And Spades says if anything happens to her, we're dead.”

Jade jumps up and cries out excitedly, “Like hypothermia!”

Kanaya looks pensive for a moment and lifts a hand to rest pensively under her chin. “I hadn't considered a change of clothes for the girl. However, taking it with you would be packing extra weight, I don't think I want to add that. Just keep her out of the water. Or as minimally as you can.”

Rose nods her head. “We'll see how the mission plays out.”

“Just remember I said this. I mean it quite seriously.” Kanaya warns for a final time before turning around to open yet another drawer, this one filled with all the goods. “Next is all your standards. Each of you gets a grappling hook and a set of pistols.” She hands these over as well as their harnesses. “These rubber soles with attach temporarily to the bottom of your shoes to give you better traction as you scale the girl's apartment building. You can toss them right off the balcony once you reach the window to get in. There are also gloves.” She stuffs 4 pairs of thick rubber boot covers and their matching gloves into a backpack. “You won't be getting any bulletproof vests this time because of the water, but if the mission goes as planned there should be no risk of you coming into contact with any guns. However, these-” She shoves four more packets of what looks to be a clear liquid into the backpack, “are to be harnessed around your thigh throughout the entire mission. Should you need them they will administer a fast acting and powerful blood clotting agent; I'm sure Rose has told you how to activate them.”

A pair of brown eyes look through lashes at Rose. Dave gags again and makes a mental note to have Rose actually go over how to administer those. His cousin has the gall to look sheepish.

Haphazardly the Indian woman tosses a couple of knives their way. “Besides the weapons you've been given and your cell phones, you three,” (She points to John, Dave and Rose with a W in her fingers,) “won't be carrying much else. This mission will be quick and the organization wants you packing light. Make sure you see engineering about getting a chip put into your cell phone so that you can get service in Ireland. Otherwise the devices won't work. I'm sure Rose will make sure this is done as well.”

Thankfully, engineering had already dropped those off to the group and Rose had distributed the chips during their strategy meeting. Despite her small error with the serum Kanaya had given them, Dave was sure that Rose had covered just about all routes the mission could take as thoroughly as possible. There was an entire stem-and-leaf plot that Rose had drawn out for every action and reaction that could occur.

“So then what else do I get?” Jade asks, currently pulling apart the pistols previously given and poking at the insides. John rolls his eyes at the antics of his sister.

“You, Jade, get this.” Kanaya opens yet a third drawer and pulls out a massive sniper rifle. “You're on surveillance, but I'm told the rounds for this gun aren't very large as to avoid casualties for the girl's caretaker. Rose gave you engineering's specifics?” Rose and Jade both nod at her. Dave hope's the Indian girl would stop mentioning his cousin's name. Their mutual boner for each other was hard to thirdwheel. “Good. You'll also be getting this extra detachable scope. And engineering just dropped these off this morning for you-” She pulls out a brown paper bag, “your contacts! They should hold up well against dryness despite the wind on your rooftop, but don't open your eyes under the water.” Jade nods and accepts them eagerly.

“That's all I have for you four this time.” Kanaya bows her head slightly. “I wish you all good luck. You will be careful, of course?” She peers up at all of them quizically. There's a slight amount of worry in her tone.

“Of course we will. It's our first big mission, after all.” Rose placates. “I've gone over every possible scenario. You've outfitted us well. I'm sure nothing could possibly go wrong.”

“Not to mention Spade's gonna be dictating us through the whole thing anyways,” Dave mutters, still a little bitter that although this was meant to be their first mission out on their own, he's sure their mentor will be spying on them.

John reaches excitedly for Dave's sleeve and gives it a few impatient tugs. “Yeah but Dave! Our first officially big team mission!”

Jade jumps into action, dropping her put-back-together gun and lunging for Dave's other sleeve, tugging insistently at it as well. “Our first important team mission, Dave!”

Rose smirks at Kanaya and speaks calmly to her teammates. “Yes, Dave.” She turns to leave, signaling for the jumping twins and her cousin to follow. “Goodbye, Ms. Maryam. Our plane leaves early tomorrow morning. You may wish to pray for us.”


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

“I can't believe we didn't even get a private jet.” Dave whines as the group follows signs to baggage claim. He wonders vaguely how the organization managed to get their cases full of weapons on board. Rose would probably know, but it's not like Dave's going to ask in the middle of a crowded airport.

 

“Right!” Jade exclaims unhappily, dragging their backpack full of the other gear on the ground behind her. It'd fallen off the suitcase of clothes she was wheeling and she'd been too rushed to pick it up and put it on her back. “I bet Slick doesn't even have to ask for it.”

 

John is sulking behind them, upset because Dave had told him to shut the fuck up about ghostbusters halfway into their 7 hour flight.

 

(“I've _literally_ been listening to you rant about the reception of bitcoin for the last 20 minutes!”)

 

(“Yeah but that's something actually important!”)

 

(“How is Kristin Wiig not important! I know I've shown you Bridesmaids! You loved it!”)

 

(“Listen you know I love Wiig and Mellissa McCarthy but lets face it she's had her good roles but she's also taken on some mediocre ones- its, wait, can we talk about Spy for a minute because that seems kinda relevant-”)

 

(“ _Will you two shut up I'm trying to watch the in-flight movie_ -”)

 

“Like come on Egbuns, we could have had hot stripper-stewardesses. Think of what could have been.” He nudges John on the shoulder, trying to cheer him up. The grumpy look on the younger boy's face is starting to get to him. Actually, that statement probably would have cheered Rose up. Oh well.

 

“As if UHOaI would pay for strippers.” Rose snorts. “Also, you're not some hot super-spy and that doesn't entitle you to hot women. Don't be sexist.”

 

This actually makes John chuckle a little. “Yeah, Dave. Don't be sexist.” At least he's not frowning anymore.

 

They make it to baggage claim just as the conveyor belt starts to turn. There's a flock of people surrounding the carriage but Dave and John push their way to the front while Rose stands back and Jade flops unhappily on a bench nearby. They couldn't run the risk of anyone grabbing the wrong luggage.  


The citizens around them mill about, grabbing their suitcases as they pass by while Dave eyes the bags carefully. Their weapons had been securely locked, and even if someone did know what they were packing and tried to run off with it, there's was no way they'd be able to get in to the equipment. But he also knew everyone was on edge with thoughts of their first mission and the gravity of it weighing on their minds. Knowing their weapons were safely in hand would be a big relief.

 

He sees the first case of pistols, tightly locked as they left it and nudges his way forward to get a hold of it. John follows just behind him, ready to grab the second box as it rotates not far behind. Jade's gun comes out next, and Dave leaves grabbing that for John. He'd carried the thing on the way over and damn was it heavy; might as well let his weight-lifting douchebag best friend handle it.

 

After this, it's a quick taxi to their hotel room. The cabbie tries to help them lift their bags into the trunk but John kind of awkwardly pats him away, also nervous of anyone else getting a hold of their luggage. 

 

They're on the third floor and the view of the city is beautiful, but the hotel room itself leaves much to be desired.

 

“Damn,” Dave comments, upon dropping their bags in the room he's sharing with John, “even my apartment with bro is more furnished than this!”

 

John wrinkles his nose. “And I keep telling you we should move in together.” Jade cries out unhappily from down the hall, where she's just discovered her own shabby room. “But god forbid I ask you to leave your cunt of a brother.” 

 

They've had this argument several times before, and it's just habit for Dave to rehash it with him again. There's no real malice behind the fight anymore, anyways. “Listen, I just know you won't be able to handle living with a Strider. You'll have an aneurysm the second one dorito chip touches the floor.”

 

“I've been to your place enough times to know what living with you is gonna be like.” John turns to him, a glint in his eye and a slight smile on his face. “Doesn't it tell you anything that I keep asking anyways?” 

 

Dave sighs and turns away.

 

“I'm just saying that I don't care if you're a slob. I've already said I'll clean up after you.” He makes a point of circling Dave, reaching around to turn his shoulder and catch the blonde's gaze. “I just want to live with my best friend, okay?”

 

The taller man groans and looks down. “If I do live with you I'll have to put up with this sappy stuff all. The. Time.”

 

Jade barges through the half-closed door and John visibly starts, still staring down the other man. His sister lets out a large sigh and flops down on one of the double beds in the room, frowning at them, and John turns to his suitcase while heaving a similar sigh. “So your room is just as lame as ours, huh?”

 

Rose is also standing in the now-open doorway, a map in her hand. “Looks like it is, Jade.” She takes a tentative step inside, and Dave notices that she's already strapped one of the knives they'd packed discretely into her beltloop and pocket. Looks like his cousin was already on edge. “Shall we go over the plan again?”

 

They're all settling in when suddenly there's a shrill ringing noise, and the four snap their heads around, glaring at the hotel phone provided on the desk. 

 

A moment passes, where the phone still rings and nobody makes a move to answer it. Rose glares around at her teammates before sighing and crossing fully into the room, reaching for the headset. She picks it up and balances it between her ear and her shoulder while her hands work on opening the map held in her hands. “Yes?” She asks.

 

A moment passes, and then, “Yes, clearly we've gotten to our rooms, Slick.”

 

A collective groan. Their mentor was calling them already? Dave grunts and flops down on the bed next to Jade, stretching his legs over her stomach. She leans up to try and eavesdrop and John focuses his attention on Rose and very clearly avoids meeting Dave's gaze. Hm.

 

“Hang on, let me put you on speaker.” Their blonde friend lays the headset down and searches the phone panel for a moment before humming “Aha!” and pushing a button. The line crackles aloud.

 

“You could have called us on our cell phones instead of tracking us to the hotel and then calling the room phone.” Dave says.

 

“Shut up, baby.” Spades says from the other end of the phone, as if Dave hasn't heard that line from their ex-mafia senior umpteen times before. “Your mission parameters are changing.”

 

“We're listening.” John says. Rose looks pensive and attempts to flatten the map she's laid out on the opposite bed. Jade wiggles under him in excitement.

 

“We've received a distress call from your girl. She's requesting evacuation tonight.”

 

–

 

Dave's had training scaling buildings before. The thing is, most of it had been spent using suction cups to climb glass skyscrapers. The apartment he's climbing now has to be at least a couple of hundred years old, and the stone has been weathered flat so that there are no good footholds and half the time when he manages to find purchase it crumbles off the building beneath his hand. Oh, and he's only got one hand available to test the surface, as the other is tightly gripping to the grappling hook dangling him in the air.

 

And, there had been only one good spot to shoot said grappling hook, so John's climbing just beneath him. 

 

If only he'd been the one on the bottom, staring up at his partner's ass.

 

He instantly regrets thinking that. He'd sworn when he was a teenager that he would never oversexualize his hidden crush on his best friend. It just wasn't fair to John. He promised he'd never become a tense sexually repressed creeper and respect the boundaries of the other man.

 

“There's a loose brick on my left, watch out for it.” Dave warns before huffing out a “Man, this sucks.” 

 

“Shhh!” The dark-skinned boy below him shushes. “You're gonna draw attention!”

 

Dave grimaces but doesn't comment back. John's got a point, but it isn't his fault he doesn't have an earpiece. Well, it's a little bit of everyone's fault. But mostly Kanaya's and Rose's. 

 

Maybe if they hadn't been so distracted by  _eachother;_ it's not like Dave lets his crush on John create mistakes like this-

 

He finally reaches the fire escape on the top floor his grappling hook had made purchase in. Rose had gone over the schematics of the building yesterday after their briefing, and they had agreed this window was their entry point. Calliope had told UHOaI over the phone that she'd be waiting in her bedroom after midnight for extraction. 

 

There's a flash of light from across the river; a signal that Jade's successfully set herself up on the roof of the building across from them. Because they had forgotten their earpieces, Rose had taken to sitting with her and surveying them through a pair of binoculars she bought in a nearby giftshop and her laptop. John scrambles up onto their entrance behind him, and Dave detaches both of their grappling hooks before holstering his below his pistol, in a pocket on his belt. 

 

John makes his way over to the fire escape window. “Is she in there?” He whispers and Dave resists rudely shushing his friend in retaliation. Instead, he kicks the bulky rubber soles off his shoes and peels off his rubber gloves, tossing them over the edge of the building. John peeks at him over his shoulder and realizes he needs to do the same.

 

While his partner is doing that, Dave pulls a sticky mic out of his belt and sticks it to the window John had just been peering into. At least his cousin had remembered to get something from engineering. 

 

“Idiot.” John says, now standing behind him. “How are we supposed to hear that without the headset?”

 

The pale blonde curses under his breath. Shit. Spades surely knew about this, if he couldn't spy on their earpiece frequency. If they made it out tonight, they were certainly in trouble. 

 

Or maybe they'd get extra credit for improvising and completing the mission short on essential supplies? “At least Rose will be able to record something.”

 

There's movement in the window and a dim light flickers on. Calliope has entered her room, but her face is still turned towards the door and her mouth is moving. She's talking to her caretaker, Dave guesses. Looks like they can't retrieve the girl just yet.

 

“I told you I did my homework this afternoon-” Dave can faintly hear and he snorts. He hopes she didn't do that homework; she wouldn't be attending school tomorrow. It would be a huge waste of time.

 

“Look, I just want to go to bed-” She walks to the window and Dave and John dive for the corner of the fire escape. He's not really sure why they do it, Calliope knows they're coming tonight anyways. And if she knows they're there, she might hurry this along. But instinct tells him nows not the time to reveal themselves yet.

 

The platinum haired girl cracks the window open and walks back to her bedroom doorway. Now, with the window just open, they can hear Calliope a bit more clearly and can even hear the Irish accented voice of her caretaker if they listened hard enough.

 

“You know I love you Dor but it's already past midnight, can't this wait until morning?” 

 

Dave's phone vibrates in his pocket. “Shit!” He curses and thrusts his hand into his pants pocket, picking up his cell phone and unlocking it with his thumbprint. It's Rose. “What?!”

 

“The heat signature in the house suggests the caretaker is still awake! Don't go in there yet!” His cousins voice says shrilly. Bad cell phone reception. Looks like engineering hadn't done the best job hacking Ireland's service.

 

“What do you think we're doing waiting here, jackass?” He whispers back harshly.

 

“I was just being sure. It is my job to watch out for you.” Rose speaks calmly, blatantly ignoring Dave's hostile tone. “What are they talking about?”

 

“You can figure it out later.” Dave cuts the phone call short and shoves the device back into his pocket. He had eavesdropping to do and wouldn't be able to listen with his full attention if he was filling the other blonde in on the whole conversation.

 

John has taken up a place close to the window and waves Dave over impatiently. 

 

“I'm just very concerned about him, you understand.” The caretaker is saying from the window. Rose's files reminded him that her name is Dolorosa. “His attitude is very alarming. I'm a bit worried, his behavior suggests a possible sociopathic mindset.” 

 

So they're talking about the twin brother, then. Caliborn.

 

“Please, you're the closest to him. Aren't you worried?” Her nanny asks. Dave can see the shadow of Calliope move in the light leaving her bedroom. 

 

“You're concerned he _might_ be a sociopath? Dor, I'm certain he's psychotic!” The teen girl's shadow throws her hands up in agitation. “He's been hitting me my entire life!”

 

“Yes,” The Dolorosa continues, “and the school called this afternoon. They said he threatened someone in class today,” Calliope barks out an incredulous laugh, “and the subject matter was quite alarming really-”

 

Calliope's shadow disappears into the room. “Did he threaten to maim their father again-”

 

“Also, I'm concerned he may be gay.”

 

There's a moment of tense silence where Dave's unsure whether to laugh hysterically or cry. Their client must be feeling the same way, because her shadow inches back again closer to her bedroom and her feet actually come into Dave's view this time.

 

She chuckles nervously. “I suppose he could be. Not that it matters more than, you know, his murder thing.” Her hand clutches the doorframe. “Look, I'd really like to go to bed-”

 

Another phone rings. Dave's sick of hearing that today; it seems to be a sign something has gone wrong. There's a brief quiet while Dolorosa picks up her own cell, and then she cries out in panic, “What do you mean someone's outside the apartment?!”

 

Fuck. Dave and John immediately kick in to overdrive, throwing the window of the bedroom open. Calliope screams but dives smartly into her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

 

They can hear the older woman get up violently and run over to the bedroom door. “Calliope!” She cries, distressed. 

 

“Get me out of here!” The young girl hisses out at them. Dave is currently climbing his way into the window, and John's watching his back.

 

“We're stuck!” John reports. “There's 2 men on their way down the street!”

 

The second Dave gets his feet on the ground and his head through the opening, John's clambering in after him. “We'll have to go through the front.” Dave decides.

 

“How!” John exclaims. “What about the caretaker!”

 

Dolorosa is pounding on the door on the other wide of the entry and Dave's running through the schematics of the apartment in his head. “We can try to get out through the stairwell but it's going to compromise her safety if we have to travel down 4 flights of stairs with men shooting at us the whole way...”

 

Rose had told them what to do if there was no other alternative. The river was facing the south-side of the building.

 

“We'll have to subdue the caretaker.” John says. Suddenly a gun is fired from below them. Instinctively, John throws his arm around their client, pushing her to duck. 

 

“We-” Another gunshot, they all flinch- “Can't hurt her!” Calliope cries. “She has nothing to do with this!”

 

“ _Callie_!” There's a splintering of wood as Dolorosa slams something against the doorknob hard enough to break it off. The door creaks open. Gunshots temporarily subside and Dave surmises the men are on their way up the building. 

 

Calliope's caretaker looks wildly into the room, her gaze landing on the two intruders. John's arm is still wrapped around the teen and Dave has unholstered a pistol. He knows this must look bad. “Let go of my girl!” 

 

A brick sails past John's head, but he easily dodges it. There's light enough in the room for everyone to see eachother.

 

“Dor, wait!” Calliope cries out, lifting her platinum blonde head to look her nanny in the eye. The woman must see the desperation there, or realize the danger of the situation, because she lowers the hand that had thrown the brick. “I asked them to come get me!”

 

There's a clatter outside the window as another grappling hook lands on the fire-escape behind them. Dave grabs a hold of John's bicep. “Living room. Now.” He says under his breath. John nods in agreement.

 

“Ladies we really need to be getting out of here-” The dark haired agent says, but Dolorosa clearly hesitates in the doorway. Dave decides they don't have time for this.

 

He points his gun up from where it had previously been aimed at the floor. Instead he aims it at the nanny's head. “Those men are coming in here. I don't want to shoot you, but I will if you don't let us leave.”

 

The lady's dark hair bobs back and forth as she shakes it, but then her steps falter sideways in the archway. John sees this for what it is and, Calliope still tucked under his arms, shoulders his way past her and into the main room. 

 

Dave follows just behind them, his gaze and gun barrel never leaving the other woman. There's fear in her eyes. It's a strange feeling, knowing he's the reason for it. He's supposed to be the good guy, but then again, she's just an ordinary civilian. All she sees is a large man with a gun, kidnapping who she considers to be her daughter.

 

He's in control here. He can't say he doesn't feel the thrill of power getting to him.

 

“D-” The girl speaks as she walks, “You have to know, whoever hires you- they're criminals. These men, they're- they're with the American government.” 

 

It's quiet as it can be in the main room, quiet enough that Dave can hear the scuffle of boots as their enemy scales the wall hastily outside their building. They must be close to the top floor by now. He closes the door as much as he can without a latch and signals to John to help him move the couch. By the time they barricade it in front of the entry way, they can hear the men outside land on the metal of the fire escape. 

 

John backs up and wraps one arm around Calliope's shoulders again, his other arm drawing one of his guns. Dave shoos the nurse behind him, barrel aimed at where the men are sure to come. “Should we run?” His partner asks. 

 

Glass shatters in the bedroom as their attackers break in through the window. 

 

“Uh, Dave?” John questions, shifting back and forth on his feet. He seems to have realized as well that they can't take the front door, as there were probably men waiting on the other side for them. “What do we do?”

 

He can hear the men coming in from outside, their feet touching down on the hardwood of the other room. One of them speaks. ' _They're not in the bedroom_ .' Once the hostiles opened the door, they'd be in plain sight. They were sitting targets.

 

“John, take the girl and the nurse and get in the kitchen-”

 

It's too late. The wooden door swings open with no resistance. They're all spotted immediately. There's two targets on the other side of the threshold. The quicker of them raises his pistol.

 

The window behind them crumbles under the force of the first bullet, aimed at them. 

 

The crazy thing is that Dave is literally head-over-heels in love with his best friend. He would do literally anything for his bro, his comrade, his pal-honcho. Which is why, as the next bullet from one of the men blocking their escape route flies John's way, Dave doesn't need more than the second available to him to react. 

 

Good thing he was always able to make life-threatening decisions in a wink. Checking to make sure John's got a secure hold on their girl, he surges forwards and grapples his friend by the shoulders. Then, he throws them out the broken window.

 

The bullet embeds in the wall just next to his face before Dave throws himself out the window after them.

 

Hitting the water is a shock to his system. Both Kanaya and Rose had warned him that the water would be cold, but diving into it on a whim in the dead of night was something else altogether. His back seizes up and he's just enough forethought to start kicking his legs upwards. The slap of the water had knocked most of the air out of his lungs and he finds himself choking for air. Instinct keeps his body moving. As he breaches the surface he sputters and shakes his hair out of his face, desperate to get oxygen. John's less than a few feet away, his right arm wrapped tight around Calliope and they're both shivering badly. 

 

“Oh my god that is freezing!” John exclaims, whipping his head wildly back and forth before he spots Dave. “What the hell man!” He cries. The girl next to him is so cold she's barely treading water.

 

Dave remembers Kanaya saying something about their shoes not being waterproof. He can tell; kicking seems harder than it should. His shoes drag him more than slightly inconveniently. “Did  _you_ have any other plans?!”

 

A spray of bullets hits the water around them. They both dive right back under the surface, Calliope struggling but still with them. 

 

“Are you _fucking_ kidding?” John exclaims as they break the surface yet again. Calliope is coughing, having obviously swallowed a mouthful of water during their impromptu dodge. A bullet hits the water again, sailing just over Dave's head.

 

“No John I'm _adulting_ you, we need to fucking _move_ -” There's a scream above them and a temporary cease-fire as one of the men from above takes a fall down from the broken window. The splash sends some water into Dave's eyes. Jade's doing her job, then. At least one of them was doing it right. 

 

In the free moment they're given, John grabs a hold of Calliope again and starts to drag her toward the opposite bank. The moment doesn't last long, as the remaining man above them fires again and this time, he makes a hit. A bullet scrapes Dave's shoulder. He hisses quietly in pain.

 

It's disturbing that he can see the blood spreading in the water despite all the darkness. The moon is shining just so that the light reflects off the water, and the contrast between silver moonlight and his own dark blood is striking. 

 

He spends too long distracted by it. John calls out to him, asking why he's not following. Another bullet splashes next to him.

 

Dave has a hard time getting his shoulder to move, but he manages through the pain. He makes it halfway across the river before he hears Jade take out the other gunman. With a wound on his shoulder and the shoes Kanaya had provided working against him, it's hard enough to move without the cold of the river setting in. He feels the chill of the water and the ache in his shoulder growing worse the further to the edge he gets.

 

Somehow he makes it. Calliope's curled in on herself, shivering violently on the concrete above him. John's leaning over, offering his hand before he pulls back in shock. “Oh my god you're bleeding!”

 

Calliope's eyes snap up in shock, and she meets his own with horror. It's incredibly unfortunate that he'd lost his shades during the fall from the building. Without them there to guard him, Dave's unsure if the look on the girl's face is from the red of his eyes or the red of his blood.

 

“Yeah so get me the hell out of this river!” He rebuts. His best friend stretches out his dark-skinned hand again and clasps Dave's outstretched arm; the uninjured one. He heaves him quickly over the bank of rocks and onto the concrete. They start to hear sirens, and there's flashing lights just visible on the other side of the river.

 

“Oh my god this is all my fault!” The girl cries and runs over to inspect the wound on the Texan's shoulder. It's pretty deep, but it's right the edge of of his body so he's pretty sure there's no bullet embedded inside. John's giving him a look that Dave can't place. He supposes, from the way he can feel the blood gushing out of his arm with every pulse of his heartbeat, that it must look bad.

 

“Boys!” Rose calls out, making her way towards them with her gun drawn and ready. She's not supposed to be out on the field unless there was an emergency. Dave's unsure if they've really hit emergency status yet, but he's thankful she's there. “The car's on the other side of the building and we kind of need to _move_.” 

 

“I'm kind of busy _bleeding out_ here Rose.” He snarks back at her, but stands and makes a move towards the road. John moves in and slides a hand under his opposite shoulder, helping him stand, then holds a hand out to help their client up as well.

 

They make it back, hobbling as quickly as Dave can, to the car without any more trouble. Unfortunately their oversight left them with no blankets to get warm. Rose cranks the heat up as high as it'll blast but they're all crammed in the back seat. At least they have eachother for body warmth, Dave thinks. Then again, he's probably bleeding all over them.

 

“You remember the brother's room had a fire escape too, right?” Rose quips jokingly from the driver's seat. The two boys groan.

 

Jade's not a minute behind and as soon as she flings her gun case onto their laps and climbs into the front seat Rose peels away from the curb just as the police converge on the location across the water.

 

“It's okay, just stack all your heavy weaponry on the crippled boy.” Dave complains as soon as they've driven far enough away from the area. “He doesn't mind. In fact, he kind of likes the pain, in some weird, kinky sort of way.”

 

“Too bad he's not hurt enough to stop talking.” Jade responds, but looks in the mirror to make sure he's actually okay. She probably didn't notice the injury when she'd tossed the weapon at them, but she does now and she gasps softly.

 

Calliope is eerily quiet to Dave's left. John shoves Jade's rifle to the floor and pushes hard on Dave's injured shoulder.

 

“Ow what the fuck dude!” Dave yells loudly. Rose and Jade curse in front of them, and Rose chides him about watching his volume.

 

“I'm putting pressure on the wound, you idiot!” John responds.

 

“You can't just shove your fingers into someone's bleeding bulletwound without warning, asshole!” His vision is starting to swim and he becomes a bit more consciously aware of how loudly he's breathing to compensate for the blood loss.

 

“It's just a scrape.” Calliope reports to them, her voice shaking. “A bad one, but there's nothing stuck in there.”

 

Dave breathes a sigh of relief.

 

“So he'll live, then.” John asks, worry winning out over his previously angry tone with his friend.

 

“Unfortunately.” Rose says. “There's first aid in the trunk and a change of clothes. Jade and I will treat you before we go into the hotel room. John will take the girl upstairs and keep watch once we get there.”

 

“Bet it'll be the first time that's-SHIT!” Dave doesn't get to finish his joke as his best friend presses particularly hard on his shoulder.

 

“If you're going to bleed, do try not to get it on the upholstery. I'm sure UHOaI would like to get their rental deposit back for this car.” Rose continues to insult.

 

“No promises.” Dave says weakly, despite the fact that he's been bleeding on John the whole time anyways.

 

Jade looks again into the rearview mirror and makes direct eye contact with Dave. “Hey, didn't we get blood clotting agents from Kanaya?”

 

John's face light's up in recognition and he slams his other hand, just as hard as before, into the serum strapped to Dave's thigh.

 

The blonde feels a warm rush in his veins and passes out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some quick notes for the fic can be seen [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1h_L-3Td5p-GYX-gZ3QqBY8CWF-0kr0HGv3nBlcR-hdg/edit?usp=sharing)
> 
>  
> 
> You guys better hope I stay unemployed if you want more of this


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is badly edited and hastily written. It is also a terrible filler chapter.

 

 

“John.”

 

“What.”

 

They're lounged about on the only spot to sit in Dave's apartment- the futon. The sun is blasting through the open balcony window in front of them but they're too lazy to shut the curtains and stop the heat. Instead, they're laid out in thin t-shirts and boxers.

 

As summer looms closer, the sun had been beating more relentlessly into Dave's shared living space with his brother, skyrocketing the temperature in the room. The rest of the house was cool enough to keep off the air conditioning, but the main room could become sweltering by the time late afternoon hit. Such was spring.

 

“...Okay, I'll move in with you.”

 

When he'd returned from Dublin his nose had been immediately assaulted by the smell of rotting Chinese food, that his elder brother must have left sitting the day he'd left on his plane out. At the time, Dave had been too exhausted to do anything about it, instead pinching his nose shut with the hand that wasn't dragging his suitcase to his bedroom. And since then, he's been contemptuously ignoring it, waiting for his bro to take care of it. The other hasn't.

 

It's not really a last straw for Dave but he relents to John's will because he's too bored to actually think critically about it right now.

 

There'd been a reason all this time that Dave had been studiously refusing all of his darker friend's attempts to get an apartment together. This was, obviously, (how could he forget), his big fat crush on the blue-eyed man. Though they'd met at 11, Dave had figured out his feelings at the ripe old age of 12 (it helped that his brother didn't hide his sexual preferences, though he wasn't flamboyant about it). And at the age of 15, when John had just finished politely turning down the advances of their younger friend Karkat and instead gushed about his feelings for school-diva Feferi, Dave had realized he hadn't stood a chance. It was kind of pathetic, having a crush on his best friend who was clearly straight. He was in far too deep but the fact of the matter was, John was _actually_ incapable of returning the feeling. And it wasn't the other's fault, so Dave had resolved since that age that he'd do everything he could to keep his burning love a secret.

 

It was actually pretty easy to ignore in the last 4 years when their time had been spent in an (admittedly less brutal) boot camp. But moving in together... that was something else. However, now that their training had ended, and he'd kind of saved John's ass on their last mission, well. The feeling was coming back, and he was unable to resist the pleading of his black-haired friend. So he'd accidentally agreed, big whoop.

 

He wondered how John was handling the smell of the Chinese food right now.

 

“Oh my god, really?!” John exclaims loudly, and not for the first time Dave wonders about the thickness of his apartment's walls, and what his neighbors have to put up with. The dark-haired man is leaning so close to Dave it's actually uncomfortable, especially with a grin that wide stretching his face.

 

“Sure.” Dave says nonchalantly and lifts a hand to push his best friend's face unceremoniously away. “Don't have a heart attack.”

 

“Oh shit, oh my god.” John continues to babble. “I'll have to tell Jade to move out. She's not gonna be happy about it, but my dad probably will be. He was kind of a little weirded out when I said I wasn't going to be living with you at college and would be living with my sister instead? Like he'll probably be super relieved that I'm moving away from the whole twin-attachment thing-”

 

Dave's been trying to get the blue-eyed man's attention for a good few moments now and he finally grabs the other's hands from where they've been gesturing about in the air. “Egtwerp. If we're getting a place together, it's gonna be a new one. I'm not staying in your sister's old room. God knows what she's done in there.”

 

“EW!” John cries, but doesn't disagree.

 

“We're getting an actual salary now,” Dave continues, letting go of his friend's fingers, “not just some living stipend. We can probably afford a decent apartment by New York standards. Like, where the neighbors actually take their garbage to the dumpster instead of just leaving it in the hallway and expecting the landlord to clean up after them like they're slave labor.”

 

John's blue eyes are glowing in happiness. He'd always hated when his neighbors left out their trash. “Oh my god.” He whispers softly.

 

“Just think: our own little mancave.”

 

“We can watch movies together and I won't have to drive home at 3 in the morning! We'll have a couch that doesn't destroy your back when you try to sleep on it!”

 

The blonde smiles. Someplace to sleep that wasn't lumpy, huh? Despite all evidence proving he should feel contrary, Dave is actually kind of excited.

 

–

 

They all have a quick meeting with Calliope and Slick and then Dave's got an appointment to see Ms. Paint in on the top floor to check on his healing shoulder.

 

He makes it into the debrief room to find he's the last one to arrive, contrary to his usual routine. His time management skills have been off now that he's distracted himself coming up with ways to ignore his feelings for John once they're living together.

 

It's dark in the room, with only one dim light on overhead. The air smells musty, as if the room hadn't been cleaned in a while. It's a depressing atmosphere. It seems intentional. Like most rooms in the building, there's a long table in the center surrounded by about 10 old, plastic chairs. John's sat at the front, adjacent to the fedora-wearing man in charge. Jade and their client are sat across from him. Further down, Rose has opened her laptop and is typing furiously.

 

Calliope hasn't seen him in 5 days, since they'd flown home and Dave had been sent straight to the medical center to get a tetanus shot. They were lucky enough to get through airport security without the injury being checked; otherwise TSA probably wouldn't have let him back into the country for fear of carrying foreign bacteria in a festering wound.

 

The girl clatters over her seat and runs to his side, grabbing at the wound despite common sense telling everyone else not to. “How are you feeling? Is your shoulder okay?” She asks, inspecting the bandages on his arm thoroughly. She must still feel at fault, Dave thinks.

 

He doesn't answer, and Slick saves him by ordering the girl to sit back down in her previous seat. The freckled man leaves an empty seat of room between him and Rose, as she'd probably need room to spread out, at the end of the rest of the group. Dave gives his attention to his ex-mafia boss.

 

“Lets get down to business, children.” Spades says with exaggerated malice. “I can't believe I'm about to say this, but good job on retrieving the girl.”

 

Jade is beaming, probably being the only one there who their mentor wouldn't find fault with.

 

Slick continues. “I know the mission didn't quite go according to plan but part of being a good agent is improvising when things go south.” He looks unhappily at Dave and grimaces. “You did well, boys.”

 

Now Dave and John are smiling, too. “Thank you sir!” The latter says.

 

“Calliope will be taken discretely to a house in Brooklyn where she'll stay with a social worker under the name, uh...”

 

“Zaz!” Calliope looks excited about her new identity. Her hair has been dyed from platinum blonde to straight up white. _'She requested the name_ ' the group can hear Spade mumbling.

 

“Like as in the batman villain?” John asks, and the younger girl lights up.

 

“No, as in Zazzerpan the Learned!”

 

Oh god.

 

Rose looks shocked at the mention of her favorite wizard book. Dave hopes she won't bring up her gay fanfiction. He sees her open up a new window on her browser and start typing an address into the search bar, and the familiar red of AO3 loads on the screen.

 

The only reason Dave's so familiar with the layout of the fanfiction website was because he'd been roped into reading all of his cousin's work. Apparently his criticisms were 'too harsh' for her and he 'didn't understand the subtle nuances of wizard culture'.

 

“Okay nerds,” Slick butts in, “As much as I'd love to break this up, and I would, so I am, we have other important things to talk about here.” He picks up a pen from one of the various clipboards scattered across the table and spins it idly around in his hand. “As I said, she,” He points the pen tip at Calliope, “will be taken to a safehouse. That is, once we're done with her.”

 

“Once were... done with her.” Jade repeats back skeptically. She doesn't seem to like the sound of that.

 

“She's connected very deeply with one of the most powerful criminal organizations in the US. We need to know what she knows.” Spades clarifies. The air in the room goes stale.

 

“So we're... going to interrogate her?” Jade glowers at her mentor. His suspicions are confirmed: the dimness of the room and the musty smell was intentional.

 

Rose clears her throat uncomfortably. “Well, interrogate might not be the right word...”

 

“We're just asking for information.” Spades says, glowering back at the elder twin girl. He taps the tip of his pen against the clipboard laid before him. The repetitive sound seems to grate on everyone's nerves. Spades sure was good at bringing up the tension in the room to seem threatening, without doling out any actual threats. “You didn't think we just did this out of the goodness of our hearts, did you?”

 

Calliope's voice is cold as she speaks up from her chair at the side of the table. “I wasn't aware my rescue was contingent on my surrender of information.”

 

“Oh my, so you thought we actually _were_ doing this out of the goodness of our hearts!” Spades starts to chuckle for a moment and Jade stands up, putting her arms protectively around Calliope's shoulders. She's looking at Rose now, confused.

 

“Did you know?” The dark-skinned girl asks his cousin.

 

Rose hesitates and refuses to meet Jade's eyes when she answers. “We could help her and she could help us.”

 

Calliope giggles a little darkly. “That would be all well and good, if I even had anything to tell you.” She lifts her head from where she's been gazing at the table and scribbling idly on her own notepad. “I honestly don't know anything.”

 

“What about names? Locations?” Slick asks, skeptically and with eyes narrowed. “Your brother, your.... father?”

 

Calliope shakes her white hair as she laughs a little harder. “Nothing. Unlike my brother, I wanted nothing to do with that organization. Dor might have known some names of the people who hired her, but not me. As for my father, I've never met him. I don't even know for sure who he is.” She looks bravely into Spades gaze and says coolly, “Anything else I can help you with,  _sir_ ?”

 

Dave decides he really likes this kid. Jade gives her a high-five.

 

“No,” Slick sets his pen down and pushes himself up off the table. He appears level-headed but Dave knows he's probably stewing with anger inside. The guy had issues. But at least he knew not to push too hard with a little girl. “It was a long shot anyways.”

 

He leaves the room without a further word, leaving Jade squeezing Calliope's arms and the rest of the room's occupants to sit awkwardly in chairs scattered around the table. Jade's clearly angry but chooses to remain silent.

 

“Well!” John breaks the quiet in the room and stands up with a flourish. “I'm gonna take Dave to see Ms. Paint! You three should talk it out!” Rose looks at John in disbelief but quickly changes her focus to Dave, leveling him with a look. _Please don't leave me,_ it says. 

 

Dave stands as well. He's gonna leave her. “So have fun, you cats.” He says as he turns around with a wave to the girls. He exits into the hallway as well, John right on his heels and shutting the door behind them.

 

As they make it a few steps down the hall they can hear Jade's yelling. They wince, and Dave sends a quick prayer to no-one for Rose.

 

They ride the elevator to the top floor, where the medical building is located, contemplating in silence their previous mission and it's actual meaning. John's probably also upset about UHOaI's intentions with their client, but Dave finds himself sympathizing with his cousin and their mentor. They were a government agency, they didn't just risk their lives for charity. And if there was any information at all that the young girl knew, no matter how trivial, that could help them in their mission to bring down criminal organizaitons, it was in the nation's best interest to know. He wouldn't go as far as to torture the girl for it, but the blonde felt they might have been owed more from her.

 

–

 

Spades is waiting for them outside the elevator on the top floor of the building. He starts speaking before the door is even all the way open for him to see inside. Dave wonders if he's accidentally spoken to anyone else in the building before them.

 

“You were awfully quiet in there, Strider.” His mentor says, giving him a look out of the corner of his eyes from where he's standing sideways to let them out.

 

“I have no interest in your internal squabbles.” He replies with a nonchalant shrug.

 

John laughs at him. “Don't act so tough.” He runs forward a few paces and then spins around, walking backward so he can face them while he talks. Spades follows next to Dave as they cross the hall. “If we want to get anywhere in this organization, you'd better learn to.”

 

Spades nudges their shoulders together in agreement and hums. “She knows something. She doesn't know it, but she does. The nanny must've said names over the phone before. Her twin brother probably mentioned where he was going a few evenings. It might seem trivial but I guarantee you she's overheard something that could help us.”

 

“Yeah, but you could have told her in advance that you'd expect the information in exchange for the rescue, so she didn't feel used.” John's heel hits the back of the door to Ms. Paint's office and he turns around to knock on the door, calling cheerfully, “It's us Ms. Paint!”

 

There's a second of silence before a gentle voice calls back, “You'll have to be more specific on who 'us' is, dear.”

 

A look of embarrassment crosses John's face. Dave can see that he's unsure if the doctor is teasing him or if she genuinely doesn't recognize his voice. “Uh, Dave and John!” He says not quite loud enough.

 

Ms. Paint must hear him anyways because the door swings open and she waves them in with her usual small smile. “Oh, hello Slick.” She seems a bit surprised to see him with them, and a little blush forms on her face.

 

A mirroring blush forms on Slick's own and he grunts a greeting to her.

 

Dave grins wider than he ever has. No fucking way.

 

John's head swings back to look at him, a perplexed look on his face. So he noticed, too. Dave waggles his eyebrows at his best friend. There was no way they'd be leaving this office without teasing the older two. 

 

Their resident doctor had been with UHOaI for at least a decade, and was among the best the organization had to offer. She was a short, stout lady who always wore cute pastel colors and floral prints under her lab coat. Her sweet demeanor was charming and she could melt the hearts of even the toughest of agents, apparently even Spades Slick included.

 

Dave's lucky that Ms. Paint declares him okay for their next mission. With the way his shoulder's been throbbing over the last couple of days, he probably shouldn't be. But with the help of the painkillers he'd been given, he's been able to keep up with the daily workouts of everyone else on the team, so Ms. Paint had thought the injury must not be bothering him too much.

 

In truth, he'd popped the stitches once already and had forced his brother to redo them without telling anyone on staff. He's had to go out of the way to buy his own bandages and do a crappy job rewrapping the wound after every day in the training room with his friends. With the way the old bandages had been soaked, he's almost certainly lost too much blood in the last week to consider him safe for another mission. But he'd grown up with Dirk Strider as an idol and if there was anything he'd learned from the man, it was to suck up the pain, never let anyone know you're suffering, and keep working until you're dead. Dave planned to do just that.

 

“So, Ms. Paint,” he says as the doctor rewinds gauze around the scabbing injury, “you come here often?”

 

Slick looks affronted by the bad pick up line from where he's leaning against the sink at the back of the room, watching.

 

She giggles and swats at his arm, a decent enough distance below the wound. The scarf wrapping her hair bobs a little with her repetitive movements. Dave might just see what Spades is crushing on her for. She's the sweetest, most adorable middle-aged lady in the office. “Oh Dave, of course I do. I work here.” She clucks her tongue and looks momentarily troubled, before reaching back a hand and snapping her fingers at Slick. “Spades, make yourself useful and hand me the medical tape.”

 

His expression goes from affronted to downright insulted, his lips pulling back in a scowl, and John busts up in laughter from where he's sitting in the patients' chair. At least Spades reaches up to the cabinet above him and searches around for the tape.

 

“You can call him Sean.” Dave says before he can stop his mouth. Spades grips tightly to whatever he's found in the cabinet. Even John pauses in his wheezing. “...That's his real name.”

 

The tape gets chucked at his head. He just barely manages to dodge, and it hits the wall behind him with a hard thunk. Their doctor signs and reaches to retrieve it. “I am  _so glad_ I decided to let your brother your brother debrief you for your next mission. He's gonna do a much better job of making fun of you than I ever could.” His mentor hisses at him.

 

“No, daddy!” Dave's a little relieved Slick doesn't seem to know what he means by that, and covers the inappropriate joke up quickly before the older man gets even more violent. “Can I call you dad? You're practically a father figure to me and god knows Bro hasn't been since my father died when I was just a kid...”

 

“Hell no, baby.”

 

“See, you're already getting it! 5000 days in foster care and I've finally been adopted!”

 

Ms. Paint finishes taping his arm and offers her hand to help him to his feet. “That's enough, boys.” She chides. She takes Dave's proffered freckled hand and grips lightly, pulling him gently to his feet. Dave smirks in his mentor's direction and purposely doesn't let go of the doctor's hand.

 

John gets it and jumps to his feet, scooping up Ms. Paint's other hand from it's place at her side. “You're invaluable help to this organization, Ms. Paint.” He says, lifting her hand a placing a kiss on it. Oh, he's good, Dave thinks. He's thankful that for once the master of prankster's gambit is on his side. “Thank you for everything you do.”

 

“Of course.” She says, smiling sweetly at them. “Now get out of my office.” She slides her hands out of the boys grips and adds over her shoulder, “You too, Sean.”

 

“I'm gonna take so much pleasure in spying on your next mission.” Slick grumbles as they walk out.

 

–

 

“For your next mission,” Bro reports, gesturing to Dave and John sitting at the table in front of him, “you two will be posing as a newly married couple.”

 

Rose has been smirking evilly the whole day and Dave finally has realized why. Slick's words yesterday about their upcoming mission suddenly made sense. He even knows why Bro had left an unassuming strip of condoms on the counter this morning.

 

“Uh,” John says uncomfortably, shifting around in his chair. “Why us?”

 

“Because it's fucking hilarious, that's why.” Bro answers.

 

“No, but really.” John fights, face twisted like he's sucking on a lemon. “Aren't there better combinations of the four of us?”

 

Dave knows the real reason. When Slick had given this mission to Bro to head, they all knew why. It wasn't like his neverending devotion to his best friend wasn't obvious to anyone who was looking. Slick would do anything to tease him. Especially after what had happened in the medical center yesterday. And Bro was going to have the time of his life torturing Dave about it in the future.

 

And really, they  _were_ the best combination on the team to do it. There was no way John would pose with Jade, as that would just be uncomfortable. Same went for him and Rose posing together. So then John could pose with Rose, but after John's 7 th grade stint of falling briefly in love with the girl, it would make any pretending awkward and stilted for them. That put Dave and Jade in the same position. Jade and Rose could go together, but that would just ruin all of the older men's fun.

 

Besides, him and John actually did mesh together very well. They bantered like an old couple and teased each other for everything. Heck, they regularly flirted playfully and to anyone who wasn't close with them it probably appeared genuine. They'd be able to pull off the couple gig seamlessly.

 

“No.” Bro says simply, turning on the projector behind him. Rose is grinning across from them, clearly just as amused by this as everyone else. Even Jade is chuckling. Dave wants to punch them.

 

A picture of an emo white kid pops up, and Jade guffaws, trying to hold back commentary. “This young man is a rising Cuban political activist.”

 

Jade proves unable to stop herself. “Political activist? What's he fighting for, gay rights?”

 

Dave scoffs and lifts a finger from the desk to point at the screen. “Look closer, Harley, he's definitely the poster boy for closeted homophobia.”

 

“Actually,” Rose chimes in, always on the hunt for a chance to set her friends straight, “Dave is probably closer to the truth. He's very much of the conservative persuasion because is father is a member of the Cuban Parliament.”

 

“He looks particularly hipster.” John quips.

 

Having satisfactorily judged their client, the group falls quiet. Bro, who had patiently been waiting for the group to finish, begins again. “Late Monday night he'll be having a meeting with high-ranking gangster Jack Noir.” The screen clicks to a well-known picture of said man. In it, he's hunched over and scowling darkly at the camera pointed at him from across the street. Dave's always thought the man looked similar to their mentor, Slick.

 

“The fact that a conservative extremist would be meeting with an extortionist and murderer is quite alarming.” Says his cousin Rose. “As you can understand, we need to know what it is they'll be discussing.”

 

Bro waits once again while the younger lady steals his thunder. There's a moment where he watches her, waiting to see if she's really finished, clearly disapproving. “Which is why we've secured a honeymoon suite in the hotel to listen in.” The projector changes and this time a layout of their floor of the hotel shines on the screen. “You'll need to come into contact with Ampora and place a bug on his person. We're hoping his...” Bro hesitates, trying to find the right words, “...sexual preferences will allow one of you to get in close. However, his political preferences should make it so that once you've planted the bug and revealed your marriage, he'll want nothing further to do with you.”

 

Oh, so there was an actual reason for him and John to be paired together. Dave supposed Snowman probably wouldn't have approved of Bro and Slick fucking with them too much if there wasn't an adequate cause.

 

It shouldn't surprise him that Slick and Bro are actually good at planning their missions, but it does. By the way John's blue eyes are looking wide at Bro, he agrees. Rose snorts at them.

 

The thing is that despite living with his brother for his whole life, and training under his mentor for the last 4 years, he's never actually seen either of them in the field. When the group had been allowed surveillance, they'd been following either Latula or Jake, 2 of the more experienced agents in UHOaI. Slick and Dirk had been in the agency plenty long, so they must have been worth keeping around to Snowman, but Dave's never had any proof. His interactions with them were spent dicking around instead of actually learning anything besides their physical and gun training.

 

“So then me and Rose are on surveillance, as usual.” Jade says. “And John and Dave get all the action.”

 

“You'll be staying in an economy room across the street, yes.” Bro responds, and Jade jumps out of her chair to protest. “It will have a direct view into Noir's room, making it a great vantage point to snipe as well as watch for any nonverbal cues.”

 

“So they get to stay in a honeymoon suite and we get to watch some old grisly gangster from some lame-ass standard hotel room.”

 

Jade seems unhappy and when John responds, Dave is unsure whether he's trying to cheer her up or if he really is just as displeased with the situation as his sister is. “I have to pretend I'm married to Dave.” He says, looking her dead in the eyes with an unimpressed expression.

 

“You'd be so lucky.” Dave snarks back.

 

“Listen,” Bro commands from the front of the room, where he's taken a seat at the head of the table and is passing small envelopes over to the boys, “don't let your raging boners for eachother make this mission too awkward. If Ampora senses for even a second that you're not madly in love, he's not gonna buy that you're married, and his flirting might get... aggressive.”

 

Dave opens the envelope and slips out a gold wedding band. It fits perfectly to the ring finger on his left hand. John does the same, and turns a deadly shade of white, mumbling ' _oh my god_ ' under his breath. His mouth is pulled down into a frown.

 

Dave's trying really hard not to feel too insulted, but John's attitude toward the whole thing is making it harder and harder. His shoulders have tensed in a sort of self-defense mechanism and it's really not helping the wound the blonde man has there.

 

Nobody can see Bro's eyes but Dave knows his elder brother is watching his reactions like a hawk. Dave takes a quiet breath in, trying to calm his nerves. His shoulders unwind just a fraction. He knows his brother is upset that his emotions are showing so obviously, though anyone else in the room wouldn't notice.

 

“I mean it.” Bro is continuing. “There's a few allegations about Ampora's overly direct approach toward women.” He hands out another set of envelopes to the boys, this one manila and larger in size: clearly containing papers. “Flirt just enough to get the bug set and then shut him down quickly. UHOaI doesn't want you making any kind of lasting impression on him.”

 

Jade isn't done complaining, and whines, “I want to flirt with the hipster!”

 

“Shut your mouth and be glad you have a job.” Bro snaps at her. He reaches up and tilts his hat down, dramatically covering his eyes. “He's too forward with women. We don't don't want another sexual harassment complaint.”

 

“Awww...” The long haired girl flops back into her seat but doesn't continue to pick a fight. She lets out a heavy sigh. John asks, ' _What was the first sexual harassment complaint?_ ' He's ignored.

 

Inside the second envelope are the details of their cover identities. Rose leans towards Dave and makes to read over his shoulder, ready to snoop. Jade, too, looks like she wants to know.

 

In a very uncharacteristic move, seemingly reminiscent of the fact that he is actually related to the blonde boy he's sending into the field, Bro says finally, “And Dave.” There's an awkward pause. A fluorescent light flickers overhead. “Don't get shot this time.” He doesn't meet Dave's eyes, and the younger is just fine with that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ideas for chapter 5 written out, once that's finished, the next chapter will be up. However, I'm quickly losing motivation to write, shits hard yo. So... could be a while before the next chapter. Could also be like, a week. Could be never. I dunno.


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

“You just don't think these identities are a little too similar to, like, our real life?” John asks Rose into the microphone while Dave sits at the wheel, underneath a red light.

 

“What do you mean?” His cousin asks on the other side of the cell phone John's got on speaker.

 

“I mean, we've been best friends since childhood and got together in college? Shouldn't these be drastically different so that nobody can find out any real information about us?”

 

Rose giggles and Jade outright laughs. John purses his lips cutely and looks put out, obviously not liking being the one they're laughing at. “As far as I know you two didn't get together in college.” The blonde girl replies. ' _Unless there's something you haven't told us?_ ' Jade says in the background. “And anyways, the closer it is to your personalities the easier it'll be for you to be able to play the role.”

 

John throws his hands up in the air and continues to complain. “Okay but also! Why does Dave get the cool name and I get stuck with _Peter_ stupid _Jenkins_?”

 

“I think Perry Crowe also sounds pretty goddamn lame.” Dave says.

 

“You're Peter and Perry!” Jade quips cheerfully.

 

“And its Jenkins-Crowe now.” Rose supplies unhelpfully.

 

As they drive their rented corvette up to the main entrance to the hotel, they are immediately approached by a valet. They hang up on the girls and climb out of the doors of their car, trading their keys and a very generous tip for a ticket.

 

“See, now that is what I was talking about.” Dave says, sighing contentedly. “Secret agents are supposed to ride in style, not economy.”

 

“Okay calm down, James Bond.” John laughs, swatting him on his still healing arm. “Although that was pretty cool.”

 

The lobby of the hotel is simply grand, with vaulted ceilings and a fountain circling the middle. There's a beautiful garden planted around the water and the marble statues surrounding it pour water out of their jugs. Inside are lily pads and koi. John looks around in wonder, a small gasp escaping.

 

Dave's able to suppress his own surprise, but only barely. The only time he's ever been around such wealth was in the Lalonde house; and that was gothic, dark architecture, not a such a blatant flaunt of wealth.

 

The girl at the front desk is a spritely little thing, talking animatedly to the guest in front of them with her hands waving wild. Her brown hair falls to her shoulders, her green eyes shine happily, and her face is pinched into a cute little smile. She's adorned in a simple black dress with white lace sleeves and she looks just as high-class as the hotel itself, despite her tittering personality.

 

Dave's glad that Kanaya had outfitted them in a pair of matching suits, otherwise he'd feel too out of place.

 

“Oh, you two are adorable!” She cries as the guest before them steps aside, done with his service. The two boys step forward in tandem.

 

Dave forces a small smile on his face as he looks over at his best friend. He had to keep up appearances - look in love. His normal expressionless attitude wouldn't do. “Thank you.” He says.

 

Despite John's reservations about the circumstances surrounding their identity before, he seems calm and collected now. He smiles brightly at the receptionist and slips his wallet smoothly out of his pocket. “Just married two days ago, if you can believe it!” He gushes, handing her his fake drivers license and reaching for the credit card the organization had provided them. “We're booked in a honeymoon suite, under Jenkins-Crowe.”

 

“Oh my gosh!” Their receptionist throws her hands over her mouth, “That's so cute! Congratulations!”

 

The smile Dave's keeping on his face starts to become uncomfortable. He knows they're supposed to milk the situation, to convince those around them, but the muscles in his face aren't accustomed to this kind of strain. “Thank you.” He says again. John nudges him on his injured arm again. Dave thinks he needs to stop doing that.

 

Still, his acting doesn't seem to throw anyone off. Their receptionist checks them in and hands over their room key along with her card. “If you need anything at all, feel free to call down to me.” She gestures over to the buffest man Dave has ever seen. His partner shoots him a nervous look and mouths ' _holy shit_ '. “The bellboy will take your bags up for you!”

 

Their room is just as luxurious as the lobby had been. It's 20 floors up and provides a great view of Manhattan. There's a massive bed in the center of the room, an almost just-as-large flatscreen tv on the opposite wall, and every fixture seems to be plated in gold. The walls are painted a tasteful earthy brown, the billowing curtains a matching moss green. The windowsill is covered in rose petals, and a basket of them rests on the end table next to their bed. Set out next to it is a bottle of champagne.

 

Through an archway to the right and down two steps is a small kitchen, surrounded by a fully stocked bar. The walls are adorned in actual vines.

 

Dave can't even fucking believe it, but he sees the faint silhouette of the statue of liberty in the distance. In some misplaced sense of patriotism, he salutes it. Surrounding it is the Hudson River and the Upper Bay, once again placing them right next to a huge body of water. At least if something goes wrong this time, jumping out a window won't be an option for them. While the previous apartment had been right over the water, in this hotel, they'd just die on the concrete.

 

“Oh my god Dave you have to see this bathroom!” John calls.

 

“...Is that a jacuzzi?” Dave asks upon entering. The grey tile of the restroom adorns everything but the large bathtub catches his eye.

 

“Yeah!” John exclaims, sitting on the edge of the tub. “We get a fucking whirlpool jacuzzi _and_ a seethru shower!”

 

Dave's at least a little thankful the bathroom has a door.

 

Suddenly John jumps up from where he previously sat down with a shout. “Eww, do you think it's clean?”

 

“Probably clean it like crazy every day.” Dave reassures the dark-haired man. “Otherwise they'd probably get lawsuits, wives wondering why their husband got an STD only _after_ they were already married.”

 

John snorts but agrees, and calms down enough to sit back on the edge of the jacuzzi. “There was all kinds of crazy flavored lubes in the sink drawer.”

 

Dave starts forward towards the mentioned drawer. “Oh, shit. Those are going home with me.”

 

“And check out this basket of fucking bath bombs. I've never actually used one of these before.” He picks one up, and reads out the description. “Vanilla and rose petal, aromatherapy for romance with aphrodisiac scents to set the mood. Dude, Dave, there's so much glitter in here!”

 

Dave fingers the light switch. The bathroom dims.

 

“I think there's also candles.” John adds.

 

After playing around enough, the boys go back into their room. John flops down into the silky sheets of their bed, murmuring that it was tempur-pedic. Their bags have been placed just inside the doorway, and Dave moves to drag them in.

 

“Looks like we're not getting out of here without sleeping together.” John jokes.

 

“Dude, the thing fucking vibrates. You've played the sims with me before. You know what that means.”

 

John sighs dramatically and flips over to face the blonde, his eyebrows raised. “What would my dad say?”

 

“Your dad thinks you still haven't graduated college.” Dave responds.

 

John looks pensive for a moment and goes quiet. He shifts just a little on the bed to get more comfortable before he continues, “How do you tell your father you're a secret government spy anyways?”

 

“Hey dad, remember all that time that you thought I was a biology student at NYU?” Dave mimes, imitating John's voice as best he can. “I gave that up to be shot at every day for the people of America.”

 

“Shut up Dave.” John says, rolling his eyes and frowning at the other. “I'm serious.”

 

“How about 'I make better money selling myself on the streets'?”

 

“I'm gonna drown you in that fucking bathtub.” John growls, sitting up in bed alarmingly fast. Dave takes a step back. “I still have to tell him we're moving in together.”

 

“Tell him you don't have to work anymore because I'm the breadwinner of the household.”

 

John makes to wrestle with him, getting up and pushing him down the steps and towards the bathroom door. “We're gonna go put your head under that fucking water.”

 

“'Buns I know you had enough swirlies in high school but that doesn't mean you can dish out your own-”

 

“ _Boys!_ ” Rose's voice crackles into their earpiece, and Dave and John both stumble over the sudden voice directly into their eardrums. “I'd like to warn you that there are cameras in your room and I can see and hear everything you're doing.” John blushes and mumbles something under his breath. “I'd also like to tell you that Ampora has just checked in. He's heading up the elevator right now.”

 

The boys bolt upright and run for the large mirror in the bathroom. Dave straightens out the tie John had been pulling on and John slips his shoes back on while trying in vain to fix his hair.

 

They walk out the door just as the elevator dings and Ampora takes a step into the hallway.

 

“I bet the lobby has brochures for all the best places to eat lunch around here!” John says with an arm in the crook of Dave's elbow.

 

“I'm feeling something Mediterranean.” Dave does his best to keep up the conversation while glancing at the Cuban man out of the corner of his eye. John draws out a long hum.

 

The man they've been sent to spy on is very young, in his early 20's. His dark brown hair is wavy and slicked back, and the middle is dyed a rather garish purple. He's tall and skinny, and dressed in a black cardigan and blue skinny jeans, a striped scarf wrapped around his neck. He's actually wearing hipster glasses and brown leather shoes. Dave's already regretting his agreement to be the one to flirt with the guy.

 

Eridan opens the door to a room at the other end of the hallway from them. He walks inside without a glance in their direction, and the whole exchange lasts only about 10 seconds.

 

“That receptionist was cute, I bet she'd have some good recommendations-” John is saying just as the door clicks closed.

 

His arm drops from Dave's and the act is dropped immediately.

 

“We're not getting seafood for lunch. But I bet you there's no wait at Olive Garden.” His black haired best friend says, waving their brand-new credit card in the air.

 

–

 

They've been waiting by the side of the pool for what feels like an hour, lounging around in their bathing suit bottoms. Dave's got a white t-shirt thrown over his chest as well, too embarrassed by his own pale freckly skin to be seen topless. Quite frankly, he had a lot of sword scars there from sparing anyways, and it would probably be a pretty suspicious sight.

 

John seems to be enjoying himself however, his dark skin easier on the eyes in the evening sun. Dave's only a little bit jealous of John's half-Mexican heritage. The genes made him simply gorgeous, with just the right shade of black hair that contrasted beautifully with his ocean blue eyes. His olive skin fit him perfectly.

 

But hey, white privilege and all that jazz.

 

They're waiting on a message from Rose telling them that Eridan has come down from his room. Dave's made it a point to order a drink from the bartender, to blend in with the crowd sitting around the pool. John had taken a quick dunk in the water but had mostly dried off, though his usually messy hair was still stuck down to his forehead.

 

They're in the middle of fighting over whether or not to take another dive in the pool again (Dave has to look pretty in front of Eridan, and he can't do that wet as a dog), when Rose speaks to them again.

 

“He's on his way down to the lobby. Get inside you idiots.”

 

“How about instead of the water, we head back upstairs and see what roomservice has on menu for dinner.” Dave says to his fake husband with a roll of his eyes.

 

John makes a show of giving in to him. “Fine, we can go back upstairs, jeez.” He huffs, and crosses the concrete, going after the towel he'd left sitting in the sun. “You go on up, I'll be right behind you.”

 

Dave gets to his feet and slips on a pair of flip-flops, jogging around his pool-chair and pressing the mic on his earpiece. “Wish me luck, 'cuz.” He mumbles. Rose says nothing but Jade cries loudly, ' _'Good luck!_ ” It's so hard not to wince in public.

 

He makes a point of stumbling slightly to exaggerate his drunkness while he pushes open the door to the lobby. Ampora has just come off the elevator and is making his way to the restaurant across the floor. This time, he glances at the blonde.

 

Dave grins sloppily and saunters over. Eridan looks surprised, glancing around him to see if anyone's watching. There are a few others milling about the lobby, but nobody's paying any attention to the pair of boys.

 

Dave slurs slightly as he slings an arm over the other man's shoulder and straightens himself out. The other was almost a rival for the Texan's own height, Dave notes. “Heeeeeyy there.” He says, petting the shoulder available to him just a bit. “Just got in from the pool, do you know the bar serves _caviar_?” He digs his index finger in, making sure the bug he's planting is securely snagged to the foreign boy's clothing. “You strike me as a _balls_ kinda guy.” Eridan looks a little distraught, and he fumbles for words just for a minute before-

 

“Hey!” John says, having just stepped in through the back doorway. He jogs his way over and extracts Dave from the other man's shoulder. “I'm sorry about this!” His best friend says, shooting Eridan an apologetic look. “He's just a little drunk.” He moves his gaze and gives Dave an unimpressed look. “And _married_.”

 

Purple-head grimaces. “Oh. Well then.” He says, taking a generous step away from them and straightening his shirt. He glances around again. A lady who was previously browsing brochures is looking their way, but doesn't say anything. Disinterestedly she goes back to it.

 

“Come on Perry, you said you wanted to go upstairs.” John says, rolling his eyes again and dragging his counterpart away towards the elevator. He presses the button and Eridan has disappeared by the time the lift arrives.

 

Once the door closes and they're on their way up, John scoffs at him. “Wow, you didn't need to massage the guy's shoulders like that.” _Oh boy_ , Dave thinks. The elevator ride up 20 floors certainly isn't short, and Dave already knows the whole time is going to be spent lecturing him.

 

“Look bro, I'm telling you, gay guys love to get touchy feely with everyone. It's like their thing.” Dave says, tilting his head down so that John can see the surprise written on his face underneath his shades. “Why you gettin all weird about it?”

 

“ _You_ never touch anyone like that.” John rebuts, shifting on his feet. “And _you're_ gay.”

 

“We're not all stereotypes, jeez, I was just trying to play one.”

 

“Yeah, but you didn't have to like, leer all lecherously at him like that! You looked like a predator!”

 

“Oh my god why are you getting jealous, jesus christ I was just acting-”

 

“-I'm not! You were just all over him! You didn't need to touch him that much! And my god why were you so worried about looking pretty-”

 

They arrive on their floor quicker than expected and the elevator dings, metal doors sliding open. John and Dave immediately quiet and school their faces into neutral expressions as they make their way down to the end of the hall and into their suite.

 

“Whatever.” John says, sitting down at their desk and pulling out their room service guide. “Lets just order dinner and wait for nightfall.”

 

Dave decides it's in his best interest not to question it.

 

–

 

Despite their better judgment, Dave and John open the bottle of champagne. It's a good thing the fully stocked bar had come with nice glasses, so they could drink in style. By the time it's half gone they forget all about their fight in the elevator.

 

Dinner had been brought to them and the cost had been tacked onto the room bill. It was served on the small dining table just off their kitchen and the waiter brings a couple of small candles and lights them for the meal. He leaves with a bow, telling them to simply call down if they needed anything.

 

Night falls before they have a chance to really prepare. They're giggling and making made up drinks at the bar when Rose chides them over the phone. She tells them to drink lots of water and sober up. John gasps, having forgot about the mission in his tipsy state. Dave tells Rose she can be the one to eavesdrop.

 

Not two minutes later she speaks to them yet again. “Boys, we have a problem. Ampora is changing his clothes.”

 

“Ewww!” Jade cries over the radio. “He's so _white_! He looks like Dave except without any muscles!”

 

“Thanks Harl.” Dave groans back and throws a hand over his eyes from where he's lying on the bed, trying to rest. “So what do you want _us_ to do about it?” He asks his cousin. John looks upset and goes to the kitchen to pour himself another drink of water. The poor kid probably felt bad about drinking on the job. Dave doesn't.

 

“You're going to have to plant another mic.” Rose says solemnly. “Perhaps under Noir's door. We can't risk either of you coming into contact with Ampora again.”

 

_Thank god_ , Dave thinks. He doesn't want to have to touch that slimy man again. “Then it's John's turn.”

“What!” John says. “You're better with alcohol than I am!”

It's true. While Dave's more of a calm, quiet drunk, John's certainly a silly one. But Dave's not going to relent. “I had to flirt with him. You do the dirty work this time.”

John gives up pretty quickly. “Noir's in 2208 right?” Rose confirms this and John picks up his pistol holster and swings it over his shoulders before putting his suit jacket on over top and opening the case for their actual guns. Dave hands him a sticky mic.

“So how am I going to do this without being seen anyways?” John continues to ask, setting up his updated mission parameters over the com with Rose. He's tying on a pair of black loafers. Dave thinks a little drunkenly that he looks hot all suited up, especially when he knows the other is packing. Weapons, his drunk mind corrects.

“I'm watching the heat signatures on the floor. If you go now it should remain empty. I'll warn you if anyone's on their way in.”

“And what if that person is Ampora? He knows Dave and I are on the same floor. He'll know it's strange if he sees me there.”

Rose hesitates. Dave hesitates. “...He knows Dave is drunk.” Oh no. “Perhaps Dave should be the one doing this.”

The worst part is that Dave can't even protest, because they're right. John doesn't even waste a second before he's whipping off the gun harness and tossing it at Dave.

“Uggh, I have to do everything around here.” The blonde man says, pushing his hair back and putting on the gear. He takes his own suit jacket and puts that on as well. Though it doesn't match with his outfit, he's in a rush, so he puts on the flipflops from the pool.

John hands back the mic on his way out the door. “Have fun.” He calls.

The stairwells are very ugly, compared to the grandeur of the hotel itself. He's surrounded by echoing gray concrete and there's a smell of rotting trash that sticks to the air. It's amazing contrast, how such a well-maintained hotel could be so disgusting behind the curtains. He feels like that's a metaphor for life or some shit. Like this is some sort of altered state of reality.

A cleaning lady working the late shift eyes him while she smokes a cigarette. She looks him up and down quickly before deciding the blonde man isn't worth her time.

Dave scales two floors of stairs with ease. Trekking so much to get to the top floor of his brother’s apartment was good practice for stuff like this. It's part of the reason he's spent most of his life in decent shape.

He supposed his brother was good for something.

Dave opens the door to the 22nd floor after his cousin confirms its emptiness and is met with the paneled walls of the hallways again. It feels nice to be out of the stifling scent of the stairs. He can stop holding his breath.

Except that he can't really, not until the stupid microphone is placed. He walks quietly over to Noir's door. He listens in close. There's no voices coming from inside. Dave pulls the sticky mic out of his pocket, unwraps it, and prays the gangster won't open the door on his face while he works.

After it's done, he glances quickly around the hallway. Still empty. He takes a deep breath and straightens the hem of his jacket.

He makes it back to the honeymoon suite without a hitch.

“So?” John asks, waiting for him just inside the doorway.

“Not a problem.” Dave says, though his heart's still racing. He blames his nerves on the alcohol. He presses a button on his earpiece and says to Rose, “It's done.”

“I know.” Rose says back. “I can hear it. Right now everything's quiet. Ampora should be arriving in a few minutes.”

So they open up their laptop and have Rose connect them remotely to the mic. Then they wait.

John's handing him another flute of champagne and settling in on the bed next to him when there's a loud thumping on the door.

Hinges creak open. A man's throaty voice says hello.

“Good evening.” Ampora's voice says through the computer. “I suppose you're ready to discuss why it is I called you here.”

“Yes.” Says what can only be Jack Noir. A dog growls in the distance and Noir shushes it. “You're wanting my business, I should hope.”

“You'd be correct.” The Cuban man takes a step into the room and the group of agents can hear the door shut. There's a clinking of classes as Noir pours his guest a drink. Then there's a moment of rustling as the men get settled in, and finally their talk continues.

“So what is it you want from me?” Noir asks, getting right to the point.

“Well,” Eridan replies, voice lingering on the other end of the line for just a minute. John gives Dave a look from where he's laid on his belly, shoulders pressed to Dave's side, glass in hand. “My father has a- a bit of an issue with needing someone silenced.” Dave meets his friend's eyes. Silenced?

“Oh?” Says Jack, clearly prompting his client to go on.

“There's a girl he's been seeing recently. Sort of on the side, nothing serious.” The Cuban son's voice hushes as he elaborates his father's situation. “But recently she's been trying to get too close to our family. And she's been asking too many questions. Naturally we had someone run a background check on her,” A pause, “And the thing is, nothing turned up. At all. Just her name and an address for a shared apartment complex. She's unemployed. There are no previous records on her. Tenants in the complex have said they know nothing about her.”

“So you're afraid she's been sent to dig up incriminating information on your family.”

Ampora hesitates again but answers. “Yes.”

Noir sighs. There's a clink as he puts whatever they were drinking down on a table. “If your family has nothing to hide, then this shouldn't be something for you to worry about.”

John raises his eyebrows. _Bingo_ , Dave thinks.

Finally the younger one says, “Every family has its secrets, Mr. Noir. Especially those in politics.”

There's a small bit of scuffling near the microphone.

“So are you going to help me?”

They hear what sounds like breathing.

“Of course. You want her silenced, or...”

A bark.

“Just silenced will be fine I'm sure-”

The barking continues. John and Dave hear the two men stand and walk towards the door. They hold their breath. Dave shifts slightly, reaching to place a hand on the pistol still holstered by his side.

“Be quiet Bec, what is your problem...”

There's a lot of crackling and rustling. It sounds as though someone has grabbed their microphone. And then-

“...Who exactly have you told about this meeting?”

The younger man sounds rushed, panicked. “I haven't told anyone! My father wouldn't have either, except maybe to tell the driver where I was going...”

“Your driver, huh?”

There's a snapping sound and the line dies.

The boys leap from the bed, turning up the covers in the process. There's a flurry of motion as both boys spring into action, but are uncertain what to do.

Rose's voice crackles to life calmly into their ears. “Calm down. Noir doesn't know who planted the bug. He hasn't even seen you, he has no reason to suspect you-”

John shoots his hand up to speak with his cousin, pressing on the microphone. “Ampora saw us, he could tell them-”

“-John! I said calm down. Ampora doesn't know about the bug on him. You were both just random bypassers. For all they know it could be anyone in the hotel. There are 30 floors of guests there.” Rose sighs, and John lowers his hand slowly. His shoulders lose some of their tension. Dave keeps his hand on his gun. “It will take them a while to figure anything out. If you both leave right away, that will be more suspicious than anything.”

Dave sighs and asks, “So then what are we supposed to do?”

Rose hesitates. They hear Jade's gun clicking together in the background. “Get some rest. Don't drink anything. Keep your cell phones on you in case we need to call. Check out like normal in the morning. Jade and I will take turns watching Noir's window and heat signatures for the night.”

Dave hesitates, takes his hand out from the inside of his jacket. John's remained quiet, but is watching his reaction intently, unmoving. Dave gives him a short nod, and he relaxes completely, falling back down onto their ruffled sheets in a fit of exhaustion. “Rose is right. We can't leave tonight. It'll draw their attention to us.”

John sighs and rolls over to face away from him, looking out the window to the statue of liberty. “We're the only ones to make an impression on that boy today. We're going to be the first guests he thinks of.”

“He thinks we're having honeymoon sex.” Dave reassures, walking to their luggage. “They're not going to try anything tonight, and if they do, the girls will warn us.” He digs around inside until he finds John's phone charger, and throws it at the younger man before digging out his own and plugging his phone in. “Lets just sleep till we're sober in the morning.” He throws the blankets up and onto his friend, who protests loudly. “Too bad we can't sleep with that vibration on. Or we won't feel our phones.”

–

Morning hits. The boys wake up just after dawn, the alcohol from last night having cleared their systems. John gets up first, immediately unplugging his phone from the wall and packing it back into his suitcase. He goes for his shoes next.

Dave gets to the bathroom, for the flavored lube. It’s a shame he never got to use that jacuzzi.

Once they've got everything put away and ready, they creak the door open as quietly as they can. John scans up and down the hallway, looking for their foreign friend. All is clear. They make a hasty dash for the elevator.

When they make it down to the lobby they almost shut the elevator door right back shut. Standing at the front desk, speaking to their upbeat receptionist from the other day, is Noir. He's leaned casually against the desk, speaking to her with his voice pitched low.

Nervously they step out of the elevator and into a line behind the gangster.

It's hard to hear anything the older man is saying, but Dave catches the words 'background checks'. The receptionist looks annoyed, clearly unwilling to cater to the demands of this guest despite his frightening demeanor.

“I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to return to your room, sir.” She says loudly, and he leans over the counter to grab at the lapels of her shirt. John and Dave both start.

“Listen to me, girl-” The receptionist looks only a little startled, until her eyes catch on something just behind the boys. She hisses out lowly, ' _Sir.._.' They turn around to look.

The buff bellboy from before is making his way over.

Jack is turned as well, glaring at them. A prominent old scar stands out on his face. Rose speaks to them over the radio. “Boys. Check out of there.”

John places their room keys on the counter with a meaningful look at the receptionist as the muscled man grabs Jack Noir's hand on her dress shirt.

They book it out of there without another glance back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the dealio.  
> Chapter 5 is done. I'm going to post it in like a week or something. Chapter 6 is not started or planned, because I need to figure out how to connect this stuff with Noir in with my plans for the actual main story line, and I just... really don't feel like doing that right now, or like, writing really. So after the next chapter this thing is going on hiatus.  
> Sorry guys. See ya next chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some trigger warnings: heavy implications of child abuse, therapy and attempted murder  
> Another warning: I had a really hard time editing this, I dunno why. The whole confrontation scene seems badly written but I just can't focus on what's wrong, the words won't connect in my brain, I can't explain it. Oh, also extreme overuse of italics  
> So anyways read at your own risk is what I'm saying

“Bro, I’m gonna need you to buy bananas.”

“The fuck? Why?”

Dave’s standing beside the bar into the kitchen, condoms clenched loosely in his hands. He lifts them up for his older brother to see. “This shits flavored.”

Bro nods sagely.

“I bet you it tastes fucking awful, though.” Dave drawls lazily, spreading them out over the counter. He picks up a cherry one and pulls a face. “This one probably tastes like fucking cough syrup. Maybe that’s not such a bad idea, actually. Soothes your throat while you go down on some poor sucker. New Halls cough condom – because who needs to suck on a cough drop when you can suck yourself off instead.” He flicks around the pile and points to a strawberry. “Bet this shit’s just jam.”

“Who knows, little man.”

Dave rolls his eyes and looks at his brother from over his shades. “You mean you don’t.”

“I pretty much always get the blowjobs.” The elder brother says with a shrug.

Dave groans and buries his head in his hands, his elbows in turn buried in the small pile of condoms. “I can’t believe it. I’m in the prime of my life, and my super old brother gets waaaay more action than me.”

Dirk, in some weird show of affection, pulls the hat off his head and stuffs it awkwardly onto his brother’s. “That’s because your heart’s pathetically devoted to that Egbert kid.” He starts to walk into the living room but pauses, back to look at the younger. “Speaking of, he was still wearing that wedding ring yesterday.”

Dave sinks down in embarrassment and rests his chin in the foil wrappers below him. He closes his eyes and holds back a pathetic whine.

Bro keeps going. “I can’t believe you spent the night in the same bed as him, with a fucking whirlpool Jacuzzi, and didn’t even fucking touch the kid.” He scoffs and actually makes his way around the bar from the kitchen, to ridicule Dave from behind. “Seriously, you had every excuse in the world to steal a kiss from him. Every opportunity, and not even a peck.”

“I thought you were worried about sexual harassment complaints. And, well,” Dave says, choosing his words carefully, “I already had my once in a lifetime chance.”

Bro waits.

“…It’s just happened once, when we were like 14.”

Dave can see Bro’s eyes narrow behind his glasses, as if to say, ‘go on.’

“He, uh.” Dave can’t believe he’s getting nervous over this, but the way his brother is watching him is setting goosebumps into his skin and he gets the feeling this is more of a big deal to everyone else than it has been to him. “He wanted to ask this girl out but didn’t know. Like, how.”

“Soooo…” Bro drawls out, a condescending look on his face, “Practice. You were his practice.” He scoffs and turns away. “You let him use you.”

“Uh.” Dave says smartly.

“You are such a fucking pansy. I can’t believe you let him use you like that.” His older brother isn’t outwardly upset, but he’s also not usually this vocal about his opinions. Dave’s a little worried about the way Dirk is reacting, more so because his brother _never_ reacts. “Do you realize you’ve been stuck for 10 years on someone whose spent their whole life exploiting that?” His brother continues, voice steady despite the venom in his words. Dave pulls off the hat previously placed on his head off and looks at it instead of at the back of the other. “He wants to practice kissing so he can fall for someone else? Get Dave, he’ll do anything for you. Do you remember how badly he reacted when you told him you weren’t going to college? Because you’ve never fucking said no to him before. You pander to his every fucking whim and for the first time, when you decided to ditch him and do something for yourself, he flipped his shit. You two are so fucking codependent he wouldn’t even let you have that for yourself.”

Dave thinks, with a sinking feeling in his gut, that he hadn’t even made the decision to go to UHOaI for himself as the taller man had said. That was based solely on ‘pandering to the whims’ of his brother.

For the first time, he’s struck with the idea that he has no clue what he would do with his life if John and his brother hadn’t been there to make all his decisions for him. When John had forced him to study and up his testing scores to get into the same college as the rest of their team, he’d marked his major down as undecided. He’d gone along for the ride, because it’s what everyone else had expected from him. And when he’d left that behind to join the organization, it was because his brother had wanted him to. Hell, the man had been training him his whole life to do it. It was a decision literally made for him since he was a child.

None of his talents were his own, he realized. His sword skill, his speed- all passed down from the older man. None of his interests were his own, merely put in place by the influence of others. What he read was pushed on him by Rose, what music he enjoyed came from Dirk. Where he went was led by John and his brother. What he believed, hell, all of his thoughts and actions seemed to be premeditated by his idolization of his brother, who’d raised him after the death of their family.

And, he thinks most disturbingly, he’d do it again for Dirk. Because the thought of upsetting him, of letting down the older man, was unimaginable to Dave. It couldn’t happen. He wouldn’t ever let his brother be truly disappointed in him. Because-

-oh god-

-because he loved his brother, the only immediate family he had left. He’d followed in his brother’s footsteps since he was just a child. Dirk had kept him from the wrath of their father when he was able. Dirk was the cool older brother, calm and collected, whom their parents favored. Dave had wanted his whole life to be just like him, even more so after his brother had dropped everything after what happened to their guardians and taken him under his wing.

He thinks of the glasses he wears, that he never takes off, put in place because of his brother. How he hid behind lenses because he couldn’t face the world on his own. His brother had taught him that they would hide him, and that Dave needed to be hidden. And that was because…

Because of Texas. Because of the way people would view him; had viewed him. Because of the reactions of his classmates, his neighbors. His mother, his… father.

He needed the shades, and John had recognized that. And John had given this pair to him, so they could never be replaced.

( _“Who told you you need to hide behind those?” A court-mandated therapist had asked him at the age of 12._ )

( _“Everyone.” Was his answer._ )

Dave swallows, says lowly, “I’ve agreed to move in with him.”

Dirk doesn’t respond. He resumes his pace. Instead of sitting in the living room, perhaps to continue their talk (though neither of them want it), the older man makes his way calmly to his room and clicks the door shut. He seems to have nothing further to say.

Dave fights down the self-doubt and the bile rising in his throat. Then he grabs his gun and heads to the shooting range, thinking that if he were Dirk, he would train the thoughts away.

\--

They’re sitting with Jade by the sixth floor window of an abandoned-for-the-night office building while she sets up her rifle for the next mission. “Why do I always get stuck on surveillance duty?” The girl complains as she pitches a small tent to shield her scope from the rain.

“Maybe because it’s your role and, I dunno, you literally trained to be a sniper?” John replies. Dave nods in agreement.

“Yeah but like just once,” Jade continues, ignoring her brother’s sound logic, “I want to be in the middle of the action like you guys. Instead I just watch this shit go down and occasionally shoot.”

“Literally what you trained to do.” John repeats unsympathetically.

Snowman herself had actually approached the group earlier that day, all sitting about in the training room. Some of them, like Dave and Jade, were lifting weights, while John spotted and Rose… putzed about on her computer. Nobody could know if what she was doing was actually important or if she was just reading more gay fanfiction.

“Team.” Their boss says, eyeing all of them quickly before turning and waving for them to follow over her shoulder. They know better than to keep their leader waiting, so they follow her without putting the weights back. Someone would scold them for it later, but they knew their priorities.

“We’ve received contact from a criminal information broker. She requested to meet with you two,” She points to the boys, “specifically. Claimed to have information on the Ampora case.”

Rose looks up from where she’s stuffing her laptop into a tote bag. “How could she know we’re watching Ampora?” Dave’s cousin asks.

“It doesn’t matter.” Snowman shuts her down. Rose closes her mouth. “You’re going to meet in downtown Harlem with her tonight. If she’s got information she’s willing to give us about this, we want it. We’ll even pay her for it.”

And so here they are, gathered just before 11 on a Monday night a week after their honeymoon stay to spy on the Cuban man. Rose is beside them, setting up her intelligence station and working on connecting their earpieces to a communal radio signal. Jade’s got her gun all set up and is ducked under her tent to fix the aim. John and Dave are armed with pistols and snaked with wires, waiting to get their gadgets back from Rose so that they can meet their client for the night.

Once given the okay, the boys ride the elevator down to ground level and make their way down the street and into an alley to the rendezvous point.

Their client hasn’t yet arrived, John reports into the earpiece to Rose, who confirms there aren’t any thermal bodies on the way yet. So they sit around for a couple of minutes, listen to the mice skitter about in the dark and trash scattering the alleyway.

Finally Rose tells them someone is approaching. Dave flicks a hand to the gun at his side and makes sure the safety is turned off.

A tall, dark haired girl rounds the corner. She’s wearing skintight pants and a jean vest laced in spider webs, and the lenses of her glasses obscure one eye. Her dirty blonde hair looks as if it’s been mussed up over the course of the day but falls to her middle back. Despite the oddness of her style, she is actually strikingly hot. She smirks as though she already recognizes them. Dave supposes nobody else would be waiting in this particular alleyway for any other reason than to meet with her.

Rose says in their earpiece, “I recognize her. She’s Veronica, the woman seen lately hanging around Legislator Ampora.”

“Incorrect.” Says the woman, coming forward enough that Dave can get a good look at her. He’s set on edge, knowing that somehow she’s found a way to hack into their radio frequency. He pins her with his eyes, knowing that he won’t take them off her for one moment until this ordeal is over. Despite this, her own gaze seems locked on Dave’s partner. “I’m actually known as Vriska.”

John says he knows that name. She’s infamous for selling information, but refuses to work with the American government. “Why did you ask to see us, then?” He asks.

“You were listening on the night Ampora’s kid met with Noir. They seem suspicious of who I am. And they want to ‘silence’ me.”

“How do you know about our spying on Jack Noir?” Dave asks, glaring at her from behind his sunglasses.

She laughs, high pitched and slightly manic. Dave feels the hair of his arms stand on edge. He wonders about this woman’s sanity. “You really don’t know?” She asks, still giggling. John shakes his head ‘no’. “Who do you think tipped UHOaI off about that meeting in the first place?”

Feeling a little silly, Dave speaks for the first time. “So what is it you want?” He asks her. She turns to look at him for the first time, her one visible eye flicking up and down as she scans him over. It’s blue, paler than John’s and shaped like an almond. His hand is still hovering over the gun holstered in his pocket, so he must look threatening enough to make her talk.

“I don’t exactly know what ‘silencing’ entails.” Though everyone can hear her words, she turns her head again so she is speaking directly, solely to John. Dave doesn’t like that he’s purposely being ignored. “But I have a pretty good guess. What I’m asking for is protection. In exchange, I can give your organization the information I’ve gathered on Cronus Ampora.”

“But why the sudden change of allegiance?” John continues to pry at her. “You’ve always worked solely criminal.”

Vriska rolls her eyes and smirks at the dark skinned boy before her. Her grin grows as she makes it very obvious that she’s paused to check him out.

John shifts uncomfortably, not liking being her obvious target, but unwilling to stop her.

Finally, she says, “I’m smart enough to know that I can’t take on Jack Noir alone.” She picks up a hand and offers it forward, asking John to take it. “How about you and me take a walk and sort things out a little, huh?”

John looks taken aback and turns his head to look incredulously at Dave from the other end of the alley. The blonde man is, obviously, much too uncomfortable about this.

Rose says, “She’s got a motive for trying to split you up.”

“You’re damn right I do.” Vriska says, inching her hand down to finger at the darker skinned ones at John’s side. He looks unsure, unknowing of what to do. Dave growls warningly. “I’m surrounded by agents who’d love nothing more than to kill me. If we’re going to strike a deal, I’d like to do it with John, here.”

“That’s not going to happen.” Dave says, drawing his pistol though he doesn’t yet aim. “Thought you wanted protection from Jack, not us. If that’s the case you’re gonna need to work with everyone here anyways.”

She looks over at him for the second time that evening. She eyes the gun in his hand, unsurprised that it is there. “What’s wrong?” She says, her face contorting into a sneer. “Afraid to leave a well trained agent alone with an unarmed girl?”

“You’re hardly unarmed,” Rose says, voice drowned with static over the com but speaking to Vriska directly now that she’s certain the woman can hear her, “And certainly not alone. There’s someone else listening in on this conversation.”

“That would be my hacker, Sollux.” Vriska says with a chuckle. “I’m impressed you were able to detect him.”

“We have genius hackers of our own at UHOaI.” Rose reports.

John shuffles forward. Dave watches in disbelief as he reaches to grab the tall woman’s hand. “Wait.” He says.

There’s a heartbeat where nothing moves but Vriska’s smile.

Dave doesn’t let him continue. “Egbert, I’m not letting you go anywhere alone with this psychotic spider bitch.”

She looks offended and rounds on him. As she stomps forward, he lifts his gun so that it’s pointed at her chest. Either she’s incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid, Dave thinks, as she continues to advance until she’s only a foot away from him.

“What’s the matter, Strider?” She asks quietly, voice pitched low and threatening. “Scared little John can’t protect himself?”

He makes sure his face doesn’t twitch as he responds. “It’d be stupid of us to split up. It’s as I said before. You want our help or not?.”

She’s not finished though, and she takes another step forward so that she can lean up on her tip toes and sneer into his face. “This is hardly a one-way deal. You want _my_ information? You’ll only get it on _my_ terms.” She shifts back on her heels so she’s backed up again, but doesn’t break eye contact with the blonde man.

“Then we’ll get the information on our own and you can die at the hands of Jack Noir.” Rose says.

Vriska takes another step back and turns her nasty gaze to look back at John again. He’s reaching forward, hand outstretched to signal Dave to lower his gun from where it’s still pointed at the woman’s chest. “Your friend seems perfectly willing to work with me.” She tries.

John looks awkward. He says, “I can do this, guys.”

“He can do this.” Vriska repeats, turning the rest of her body to advance towards Dave’s best friend. The taller man’s hackles raise and pulls the gun right back up, frantically shifting so that it’s pointed at Vriska again. He narrows his eyes.

John, for his part, does a bad job of remaining calm. “Dave!” He says loudly. “Put the gun down!”

Vriska continues to move towards John. From behind, Dave can see the outline of something small and round tucked into the waistband of her jeans. His heart beats louder in his chest. A syringe.

“John, don’t let her near you!” He says, finger just barely starting to tremble on the trigger.

“Why don’t you want to speak with Dave anyways?” Rose asks, voice much calmer than any of the boys. Somehow it makes Dave more nervous.

“I’m giving you information to blackmail a boy’s father.” She answers icily. “Do you really think I want to tell the star pupil of daddy issues?”

Dave’s heart thumps. He starts to sweat.

The hacker, he thinks. She’s read all about him.

 _If she takes one more step towards John, I’m gonna kill her_ , he thinks.

“What the _fuck_.” He spits at her, gun shaking in his hands. John notices this and his eyes widen. He puts his hands up placatingly.

“Dave.” He says.

The creepy woman seems to sense that she’s getting somewhere, and continues to bait him, words stabbing where she knows will cause the most damage. “You want me to trust Strider with critical political information about a man’s father when he’s spent hours in therapy crying about his own-“

Dave snarls and tries to steady, barrel pointed at her arm.

“-I mean _really_ , it makes no sense to me that he had the chance but didn’t just kill _you_ instead-” She takes a final step, closing the distance between her and John.

He pulls the trigger.

There’s the sound of the gunshot but Dave can ignore that as Vriska screams, bullet sinking into the muscle of her bicep. Her legs fail her and she crumples to the ground in a heap.

“ _DAVE_!” John shouts and surges down to grab at Vriska. She shoves him roughly off and attempts to stand.

“ _FUCK YOU_!” She spits. Blood pours down her arm, hanging limply at her side as she wobbles on unsteady feet.

“ _Oh my god_ ,” John says, worryingly reaching for her again. She continues to push him away but the protests are getting weaker she doesn’t take more than two steps down the dark alleyway before she falls down again.

She cries, other arm grasping desperately to stop the blood pooling on the pavement below her, “I came here to help you! To get you to take out _Jack_! _Not_ me!”

Dave’s not sorry, but John punches him hard on the arm and wrenches the pistol away from him. It’s futile really; Dave’s got another. And despite the roaring of the blood in his ears before, now that Vriska’s been taken down he feels disturbingly calm. “ _WHAT THE FUCK DAVE!_ ” John shouts at him, the polar opposite of Dave’s growing serene demeanor. “ _I had this! We had this!_ ”

“ _Fuck you!”_ Vriska says again, teeth grit in intense pain. “And _fuck_ the deal!”

“Well,” Dave says, voice cracking. He clears his throat and continues, a little cooler, “At least you’ll get police protection in the hospital.”

Vriska screams again and rips off the sleeve of the white tshirt under her vest. Her fingers slip in viscous, sticky blood as she pokes and prods at the wound.

“Vriska, wait-“ John says and takes a step towards just as she shouts, “ _Don’t touch me!_ ”

The wait in tense silence in the alleyway until police sirens sound while Vriska futily attempts to clean up her arm.

“You won’t say anything about UHOaI to the police.” Dave says.

Vriska lifts her head from where she’s been examining the wound to look him in the eyes. She snarls, “ _And why’s that_?”

“Because you know what kind of organization we are. And you’re going to give us the info about Jack Noir’s whereabouts,” Dave says, pulling the other gun and aiming it at her head. John starts forward but, taking note of the situation, seems to decide not to interfere, scared that the other was too dangerous to attempt to approach right now. Warningly, he says Jade’s name. Dave wonders if she’s going to tranq him. “We’re going to take care of him. You’ll still get what you want.”

“I told you, _fuck_ the deal.”

He says, checking to make sure the gun is still cocked, “Then you can just die right here. That’s one less unrepentant criminal on the streets.”

She must see something in him, or in the way that John’s frozen stiff, unsure if he can stop him, because she curses loudly. She punches the cement below her with her still good hand. Her knuckles pop as if she’s broken them. “Southern Bronx. He’s basing in the construction complex just down from the botanical gardens.”

Despite the alarms continuing to swarm closer, they don’t turn to make their exit until the spectacled woman has fallen unconscious.

\--

Although Dave’s been confined to his apartment for the last four days, he’s surprised that his superiors aren’t furious with his behavior. In fact, it startles him when Slick approaches him just after the group’s reluctant return to headquarters and claps him hard on his uninjured shoulder, saying with a grin, “That was fucking hardcore, kid. Didn’t know you had it in ya. Bet Serket pissed herself.”

He’s not sure if he should be proud of his behavior, even if his mentor is.

Even though normally Bro would scold him for losing control of his emotions, even he shrugs, saying his younger brother did an okay job. Snowman tells him to reign it in and not to do it again, but she seems pleased that they got the information.

There’s a loud rapping at the door. Dave gets up to answer it, wondering who it might be. Rose had talked to him in the last few days, but Jade and John had maintained silence.

To his surprise, the latter man is standing on the other side, looking pissed. “A word?” He asks, gritting his teeth. Dave opens the door wider and lets the smaller boy in.

He’s actually been incredibly anxious about having to talk to John again. Vriska had said things that night that Dave hadn’t been quick enough to stop. And the way he had reacted to them, well… John was sure to notice something was wrong with him. He’d never talked to his best friend about his life before, in Texas.

“Well?” Dave asks, flopping down on the futon in the living room. John peers down at him from above, annoyed, and remains standing. It’s a tactical advantage that Latula had taught them. Dave doesn’t mind.

John doesn’t say anything for a solid minute, simply watching his friend. His blue eyes are piercing, unwavering. He’s got the look of disenchantment, of condemnation, that Dave has been waiting to receive form his brother.

Finally, the other says, “I thought you trusted me.”

Dave mulls over the correct answer in his head before he replies. “Leaving you alone with her had nothing to do with trust.”

“What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?” John mutters under his breath. Dave hears it though he gets the feeling he isn’t supposed to.

“It means I can trust you without letting you purposely throw yourself into stupidly dangerous situations.”

John _humph_ s in agreement and doesn’t pursue the topic any further. “Fine.” He says. Pacing to the other side of the couch, he toes his shoes off and sets them aside, making it clear he plans to stay. To _talk_. The tall blonde inwardly shudders. If only conversations with his best friend could be more like conversations with his brother, where everything just… ended abruptly whenever things got too heavy. “I visited her in the hospital again today. They were taking her in to surgery.” He pauses for dramatic effect. “They’re amputating her arm.”

Unable to stop himself, Dave laughs disbelievingly. John scowls and makes to hit him for the response. “ _I_ got shot in the arm, they don’t need to amputate for that.”

“She got a bad strain of MRSA in the hospital.” The shorter man elaborates.

“That’s not my fault.” Dave says.

“ _Jesus Christ_ , Dave!” John cries, throwing his hands in the air. He starts pacing the edge of the futon again. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why the fuck would you _shoot_ her?!”

“She-“ Dave isn’t sure if he wants to tell John about the syringe on Vriska’s person but powers through with the confession anyways. “-She had drugs in the belt of her jeans. She wanted to get you alone so she could drug you.”

John’s eyes widen but he doesn’t relent. “You don’t know that! She was alone with armed men; so yeah, she probably brought something to protect herself with!”

Dave hisses, narrowing his eyes. Was John really this stupid? “You don’t bring drugs with you as self defense! You bring a knife. You bring a gun. You don’t show up alone with only some hacker listening in.”

“Maybe it was a paralyzing agent. A poison.”

“Because those are better. Right.” Dave sighs and sinks down on into the cushions below him. “She collects information for a living, John.” He looks away from the black haired man, muttering, “Don’t be an idiot. She wanted to get alone with whatever government agent seemed weakest and force them into revealing secrets before she used us to get Jack Noir off her back.”

“Wha-“ John starts, livid, “-weakest?!” His face flushes red, his eyes go manic. “Are you for real right now? _I’m_ the weak one?!”

“You were _more_ than willing to run _right_ into her trap!” Dave exclaims back.

“ _I_ ran into her trap?! Are you _kidding_ me? She was playing you like a goddamn fiddle!”

“I don’t know _what_ you’re talking about.”

“ _Oh really?! Daddy issues?!_ ”

“John, _drop this_.” Dave warns. He lifts himself up off the futon, sick of letting John have the upper hand. If Egbert wanted to fight, the blonde was ready to fight.

“She was playing with _you_ , Dave, and you shot her because she said some stupid bullshit about your stupid _father_!”

“ _John-_ “

“-And I can’t even believe she was _fucking right_! Are you _seriously_ that hung up about someone none of us have even heard of-“

“ _John_.” His hands ball into fists at his sides, shaking.

“-I mean _seriously_! Something as stupid as _daddy issues_ -“

“ _YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT MY GODDAMN FATHER!_ ”

It’s not the first time Dave’s ever raised his voice around John, but it’s the first time he’s ever yelled this loud and been this angry. And he is furious, breath heaving and right fist pulled back to hook his best friend in the jaw. Slowly, he lowers it, tries to even his breathing.

John, for his part, freezes solid at the outburst. He stares at Dave’s fist, waiting for the strike that doesn’t come.

The shorter man takes a step back. When Dave seems to have calmed down a little, he says, “You’re right. Another important fucking thing you’ve refused to tell me.”

Dave seals his mouth shut, resolute to say nothing.

John continues, “It’s not like you’re the only one who’s missing a parent among us. Rose doesn’t have a father either. Hell, I’ve told you just about every thought and feeling about my mom’s death.”

“You don’t know _shit_ about him.” Dave repeats quietly.

“Then maybe you should, I don’t know,” John takes another step back, sizes Dave up, “ _tell_ me the shit about him?”

“… No.”

John breathes in once, slowly. Breathes out. Closes his eyes and counts to three, then surges forwards and rips Dave’s shades quickly off his face before the other can protest. He bends his knees and looks up, making sure he’s caught Dave so he can’t escape.

 _Shit_ , Dave thinks. He can feel tears starting to prickle the back of his eyelids. But if John is going to trap him, he isn’t going to cry.

He’s not allowed to cry, anyways.

“You don’t think this is important.” John states it as fact, voice laced with sarcasm. “You shoot a girl after a little bit of taunting, and don’t think it’s important.”

“I shot her because she wanted to steal information from you.” Dave says.

“Right.” John says, lip twitching in irritation. He turns away and goes to collect his shoes from where he’d placed them earlier, in front of the couch. “You’re full of shit, Dave.” He slips the shoes on effortlessly, doesn’t retie them tighter. Then he makes his way towards the door. “You’re full of shit and you’re _crazy_ , you’re _dangerou_ s. Fuck you.”

Dave chuckles, a hollow sound. As John makes his way to the door, Dave states, “Guess you won’t be living with someone dangerous, then.”

“… No.” John echoes. He turns the doorknob, and walks out.

Dave finds, after it’s over, that he doesn’t want to cry about it, actually. He’s just that messed up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oddly enough I actually managed to put down notes for what I wanted to happen in chapter 6, and was going to write it except then I got into boku no hero academia instead, sorry  
> Feel free to pester me if I don't have anything out before the start of this next school year  
> Also if anyone has any suggestions about what role they want Karkat to play, let me know. I've figured out that I want him to be neutral, neither part of UHOaI or a criminal, and he needs to be friends with the group, but other than that, I'm at a loss

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, welcome to my first multi-chapter homestuck work.  
> A few warnings.  
> 1\. The rating will probably go up.  
> 2\. I've never finished a longfic before. Never.  
> 3\. I don't know how I feel about this or if I particularly like / care about it.  
> Some other notes.  
> 4\. I want to always stay one chapter ahead.  
> 5\. Though there will be a little bit of prose to get into the minds of other characters, Dave will be the main character of this fic. That is because I love the shit out of him.  
> 6\. If, for whatever reason, you want updates or want to talk to me about the fic, my tumblr is [geringeding](http://geringeding.tumblr.com/)
> 
> That all said, I'll see you all if this continues.


End file.
